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July 25 Tschuss and Viel Gluck! (The Goodbyes are just beginning)Poor little Olivia. I feel for her. Her little heart is breaking. All her little friends are going to Kindergarten and she has had to say goodbye to each of her friends that she plays with at the Kita. Every couple of weeks a "bigger" kid (three years old or almost three) that she plays with leaves and a smaller kid (one year old) arrives. Today I almost cried when we had to say goodbye to her friend Fina.
Olivia and Fina would sometimes hold hands and sing or exchange kisses. Sometimes I would watch them playing in the little play kitchen from outside the window of the building...it was so cute to watch them play. Fina would always come up and talk to me in both German and in what I think was her version of English. Her mom teaches English. See that is the thing. I like her mom. Her mom was one of the only parents there that made a real effort to say hello and chit-chat with me. We never really had long conversations or anything substantial but for me it was nice. See I wish I had tried to take it to the next level and make more of an effort to get to know Fina's mom and Fina. Maybe we could have tried playdates or something. It's hard though. I mean it is hard to know if you can propose that sort of thing. I think it would be hard to do anywhere in America too. It is even harder for me here because body language and facial expressions are different here and hard for me to read sometimes. SO I guess at the end of the day I didn't put myself out there and maybe I should have. I guess I am feeling a little guilty that I am not the best mom.
Oh I do feel for my little Olivia. I know she is sad. She told me so on our walk home from the Kita today. She told me that she doesn't want her friends to go to Kindergarten. She said now I won't see them. Where they go? Where did Ben go. And Max and Julian, where did he go mommy? These little kids were the ones she played with the most. Ben was the first of her friends to leave and he left a few months ago. Then her little friend Max who's mother just stared at me with a hard look left. She played a lot with Max and I thought about trying to propose a playdate but every time I tried to even make some sort of contact with his mom all I got was a cold hard stare. WHo knows maybe it wasn't anything...but I never felt like I could talk to her so I just sort of gave up. THen there was Julian who's mom was also very nice but I never tried to talk to her all that much because she didn't seem to speak all that much English and seemed a bit uncomfortable with me whenever I tried to talkt to her even in German because well as I've mentioned, my Deutsch ist nicht zehr gut!
So yes, goodbyes are hard. THey are hard for me too. I literally had to stop myself from crying when OLivia told me that she doesn't want her friends to go. When we got home I let her have a little snack, a little French cookie that supposedly has all sorts of healthy grains and chocolate chips, which is what Olivia of course likes. I let her have two of them. ONe of them broke and Olivia had a complete meltdown because her cookie broke. I knew it was more than that...her cookie was not the reason she was upset...she was sad. I told her it was okay to cry. That when you are sad it is good to cry and I held her. She cried really hard and then I told her that I loved her, Daddy loved her, Taylor loved her, and that every family member I could think of also loved her. I also held her at naptime until she fell asleep.
I made sure Olviia and I said Tschuss (goodbye) and Viel Gluck (good luck) to both Fina and her mom. I felt it was important to say our goodbyes. Life is hard and I think goodbyes are hard for everyone but I guess that is part of life. I know I am not a bad mommy. I know this is part of life. I guess like most parents I just wish sometimes I could shelter Olivia from some of the hard things. But you can't. You have to go through hard times to be a stronger person. That is what makes us who we are. June 11 How you doing? Oh just fine and dandy thanksIt's 12:18 PM on a Monday here in somewhat-sunny, very muggy Germany. My floor is covered with Legos, doll clothes, and the dirty socks my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter took off yesterday. I am covered in spit-up. My hair is a mess. I have been carrying my two-and-a-half-month-old son around in a sling for two hours now and he has woken up to nurse twice, spit-up, cried, refused the pacifier about 50 times. I am desperate for just a half-hour of quiet time to finish of all things unproductive, one or two chapters in this book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Oh I know how ridiculous it is that I am trying to read anything at this point...hahahah I got like maybe 3 hours of sleep again last night because yesterday Matt and I got out for a date and I decided to go ahead and try cheese again thinking that my son's milk allergy might have worked it's way out of my breastmilk. No! Dah! He still has the allergy. No wonder he is fussy. And where is he right now while I write this? Well I am so tired and my neck hurts from carrying him around, my ears hurt from hearing him cry, and so I had to do what many a mother before has had to do and I had to put him screaming into his crib so that I could take a break. (ANd no I cannot let him cry it out. Besides having it break my heart and soul--he doesn't do that...it just makes him more upset and vomit more and thus the cycle goes round and round in the world of colic.)
I am drinking my decaf tea ( Believe me I want the fully caffeinated but if I have more than two cups of caffeine a day my son shoots milk out of his nose, projectile vomits, and then screams) and I am pretending that I am at the beach. I am trying with all my might to not hear him crying. Anyone who claims having children isn't hard or is foolish enough to think that babies are little dolls that are docile and to be dressed up with little work or frustrations is seriously wrong or dimented. Little mother wannabees beware! I love my son. I DO love my son. But I also have to say that I truly have a colicky baby and it is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Believe me carrying him in a sling and holding the pacifier in his mouth is what has to be done for my sanity. And folks, this is how I am doing with the help of a very expereienced mom.
how will i do tomoorrow alone w/toddler and screaming baby?
The reality? Well, Matt's mom is going home tomorrow and this is my last "break". She took Olivia out with her this morning. You see Olivia gets a little fussy herself when Taylor is crying because naturally I have to fuss over the baby more than her if he is crying. So she too starts crying sometimes or holding onto my leg or throws things around the room. I mean how dare I not play with her because I am HER mommy. I know this is normal jealousy toddler behavior but it is not easy.
So why not just give up on nursing? Good question...well besides wanting the antibodies and other stuff I can give him through breastmilk, unfortunately it is looking more and more like my son cannot tolerate formula. It makes him projectile vomit and shoot nastiness out of his nose. It causes more fussiness, more sleeplessness for both him and me (naturally if he is not sleeping then neither am I). I just should not have had the cheese and should not go out of the house unless I have breastmilk in a bottle.
I say this and yet Matt and I are going out tonight again I hope. We are going to give him a combination of breastmilk and formula if need be. This may mean I have to deal with fussy baby tomorrow but it is our last night out alone together for a while...can't leave newborn with stranger, especially since can't find someone who speaks English to watch our children. So yah there is mother madness. People do have breaking points. I would love to take my crying son out on the balcony for fresh air but my German neighbors would be appauled (this is not how to spell the word but my mind is broken--forgive my mispellings)--my appearance is beyond repair at the moment and crying babies are not tolerated. Also cannot stomach idea of having to converse in German right now or answer questions like Wie Geht's? (How are you?). If I had to answer I might either cry (which is not something you do in a stoic culture) or scream (clearly a sign I am as mad as the Mad Hatter!). Yesterday I made it through 9 minutes of Yoga. Who knows maybe today I can make it through 10! LOL.
little hard to do yoga w/screaming baby! Keep me sane. THAT is how I am doing. May 26 Refuse, Regress, and then ReleaseIt has been difficult for my little Olivia and for us for that matter to adjust to all these changes. She refuses lots of things like refusing to put her shoes on or refusing to let us change her diaper (potty training is coming soon but I am no fool--I knew she would regress). Olivia even refuses to let me hold her hand sometimes or have Matt hug her even though we know she wants and needs our love and attention. It is hard to watch her struggle through these changes--she is no longer the only child. But this is life. Life is full of struggles but if you work at it, you can find balance. I struggle all the time as an intense, highly-opinionated person to find that balance. As a mom I am not sure where the balance is in disciplining Olivia. Oftentimes she regresses and what I'm realizing is so do I.
The other day she was eating pistachios and cashews (she takes after me and loves all nuts--maybe I was a chipmunk in a past life. LOL!). Anyways she was eating the nuts and then she asked if she could mix them in her pots in pans (we keep a small little tabletop kitchen and cooking accesories in our living room for her to play with). I said sure. We were playing--she was pretending to pack a picnic lunch. Then all of the sudden she just threw the nuts all over the floor. I instantaneously lost my temper. I yelled at her to pick it up. I was so upset because I had just swept the floors and vacuumed and these are hard things to do these days given that I have a newborn in the house. So yes, I lost my temper. Of course she then decided to start throwing lots of things on the floor. I picked her up and placed her firmly in her bed. She tried to hit me and that is one thing I absolutely can't tolerate. I yelled more. Then Olivia started crying and said that I scared her. I felt just terrible. Yes, she did some pretty terrible things but she is two yeras old and I am thirty. I lost my temper. I shut the door and told her that she needed a time out and so did mommy. After I had calmed down, I opened the door and we went and got the dustpan and brush and together we swept up all the nuts. Olivia was fine with that. In fact she seemed proud that she helped mommy.
Olivia has a strong personality. She needs me to provide safety and balance. I am working on it. For me it is a huge struggle to not have so much fire in my personality. I have started doing yoga again and befittingly the poses that I am finding the hardest to do are not crazy stretches but the balancing poses.
Last night Olivia did the throw-the-books-and-everything-all-over-the-floor again for Matt. He lost it a little too. Then Olivia refused to go to bed after I spent close to an hour reading to her, talking about her day, and cuddling with her. After I started getting upset, I realized she was scared. Matt's mom is coming and the last time a grandmother came I went away to the hospital and had a baby. It finally dawned on me that Olivia was scared I was going to leave her and have another baby. I asked her if this is what she was scared of and she said yes mommy, hold me mommy. I let her sleep in my bed last night. I let her cry and be a little ridiculous because she needed that release. I too needed that release. I need to release my hold on her sometimes and just let it be and then maybe together we will learn balance.
May 11 I ridiculousWell there is nothing like admitting what you are. In the heat of a toddler meltdown, my lovely toddler Olivia says "Mommy I ridiculous!". I thought I was going to bust a gut laughing at that one. I felt like saying Yes baby you are. It was just too perfect. I think the poor thing was actually trying to tell me that I was ridiculous since she oftentimes mixing her pronouns up but hey, if the shoe fits...
On other news. I am SOOOOOO TIRED! So very tired. My little baby is not sleeping so great. Yesterday he would sleep for only 20-25 minutes spurts all day long after I spent an hour or so helping him work through gas, changing his diaper, and then nursing him yet again. The thing that kills me about that is that babies can survive on that kind of sleep...they don't have to sleep for hours at a time as long as they get a lot of sleep cumulatively. Now mothers on the other hand...well I am starting to slow down. I don't have the extra drive or care that my house is a little messy. All I want is some sleep. Ah sleep! I know I know...get used to it. I am trying to remain positive here. Please let me believe that I will get some sleep eventually. It is all that keeps me going. Well not all. When Olivia gets really proud of "her baby" and helps me with Taylor or when Taylor looks at me and smiles, or when I see my husband holding both kids in each arm singing silly songs, well those things really keep me going! I do love my family. Yes, I just hope that I too won't become Ridiculous due to lack of sleep. LOL! March 31 Crazy Mutter! I am like a bird nesting...Okay I am only a few weeks from giving birth and I think the nesting instinct (this urge to make everything clean and organized) has really kicked in. Poor Matt. I also did this last time with Olivia. I can't help it. I mean all the sudden I find myself wanting to fold and unfold all the baby clothes to make sure I have what I need. I have what I need and I know I have what I what I need but it is not a logical thing. It is kind of a running joke. Matt will take the plastic bins I have with all of the baby's clothes down from the top of our closet every couple of weeks and then I go through them and he kindly puts them back up. Crazy!
And I will tell you what. I would throw out about 5 trash bags of trash if I could get away with it. We have to separate everything into different trash and recycling containers here and the neighbors (the old Fraus at least) watch everyone to see if someone is hogging the space. So I can't just go and throw away things. But if I coud I would.
Oh and Ikea madness. I look at the cataolog of closets and organizing containers and scheme about what our next purchase will be that will somehow help us organize our 3-bedroom apartment even better. Matt has even started doing it with the study. The funny thing is we have to save our money to buy things here because there is no such thing as credit cards. And we can't just order it online but have to actually drive to the store 45 minutes away. So we want to save our money to make the trip worth it. Oh sure: we have a credit card that is like an American Express so you have to pay it off the following month. It keeps us in line but boy as an American who is used to getting things whenever, it sure is hard.
So yah I am in mommy nesting madness. I even wanted our hallway touched up with paint here and there in all the spots where Olivia colored on the wall, used keys to scratch the wall, and various other mishaps. I want it all clean and organized. But I am holding it together. It is so ridiculous. I mean the baby isn't even goign to see beyond his own hands for a while. The poor things don't even know how to control their arms or feet when they are first born and here I am trying to make our home ready for the little guy acting as if the Queen or King himself (as it were) are going to walk through that door. Oh crazy mommy. I know I am not alone. Poor Matt. And Poor Olivia. Even Olivia has grabbed a dry sponge from the kitchen and pretended to clean it all up. What have I done? I guess the reality is there will be no time for all this once the baby comes. No time, no sleep, and no energy. So that must be why we mothers-to-be do this. Crazy Mutter. March 14 Time out for mommy and great expectationsIt has been a while. Life goes by fast and sometimes it goes by too slow. I am 4 weeks away from having our second child. It amazes me that we are going to have two kids now. It also freaks me out a little. I wonder if I will be a good mommy to our son. I know that it has been hard with Olivia lately and I am tired and impatient. I worry that I won't have the patience and will just I don't know, screw things up. I guess this is what all parents wonder. I mean the baby will be crying and Olivia will be repeating things over and over and over until I just explode. That scares me. I mean how kids can get you really good and push those buttons over and over. I try not to lose my cool but I do. I guess we all do sometimes. I even put myself in time-out sometimes. I guess that is the thing. You have to know when to take a break before you breakdown. I am working on it.
I guess I read the parenting magazines when I can get them here in Germany and I check websites and stuff that all talk about the difficulties of being a mom and all the secrets to handling things like a pro. I get lost in the words sometimes. I mean life can't be summed up in a 500 word article. It doesn't always work like a formula. There is no right answer. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and unprepared. And frankly it is really hard when it seems like people don't like to admit how hard a time they are having with their kids or with themselves. I am tired of the Pottery Barn totally organized ads and articles on how to keep your house and kids perfect. There is a perfect house....it lasts for two minutes if your lucky before toys end up all over the place and the dishes need to be cleaned again.
So yah, I am tired. Really tired. I am more than ready to have this baby. Of course I want the little guy to come out when he is ready and right now he is still growing his lungs nice and strong so it is too early still. But I am trying to imagine what it is all going to be like. I mean I am in Germany. I still don't speak German all that well. Last time with Olivia I went to the park every day or the library when it rained to connect with other parents. I had to get out of the house and talk to an adult. But that was in Seattle where people spoke my language and I don't know, wanted to talk to strangers. This time what am I going to do? I go to the parks in my neighborhood and no one talks to me. I try. I keep trying but it is somewhat tortorous. I mean the moms all know eachother or so it seems and they aren't going to make the extra effort to talk to me, a woman who can barely describe her family in basic German. And I have given up on thinking anyone is going to make the effort to talk to me in English. That isn't going to happen. So I guess I am a bit worried here. I guess I am going to walk a lot. That is what I imagine I will do. I have one neighbor who is very willing to get together and let the kids play so that helps. I guess I just have to ask myself, is it normal to be scared the second time around? I mean I will love my son of course I will. But I am worried about getting lost in mommyhood. Does that happen to other people too? Cause it never seems like it or at least no one every seems to tell me about it. Am I the only one out here who loves being a mommy but doesn't want to be June Cleaver? So yah. One step at a time. I guess I better get serious about yoga and getting out of the house. THat is my plan. At least the sun is starting to shine. Thank goodness my son chose to be born now. April is a good time and summer sun makes everyone feel better. I am looking forward to that.
September 29 Hold You, I scared MommySo little O is having a tough time adjusting to going to kindercare in the mornings. She started a few weeks ago and the second day she told me that she was scared ("I scared mommy") because "little girl push Iya car" (a little girl pushed Olivia when she was on her play car or at least that is what we think is happening here but who knows?). I am not sure if it is a reoccurring thing or not but she tells us about it just about every day. Olivia is turning two years old this Monday. I feel like wow here she is turning two and already having to deal with this stuff. All I can tell her is to say to the little girl to do nice, which Olivia practices saying all day long both in English and in Sign Language (Do nice mommy, do nice!).
I guess I am torn because I know when it comes to little ones (all the kids in the daycare are under two and a half), they don't really get it. The kids don't really understand sharing or that pushing is not nice. Also, I have been told by many people and a few books that it is best to let kids work it out for themselves. Secretly I find myself wanting to tell that little girl, who I have seen pushing other kids including a one-year-old, to knock it off. Of course I can't do that. Not really. This is just the beginning of school conflicts and toy fights. And well, no one wants their kid pushed around and it's hard not to say anything. So I mentioned it to the teacher but I felt a little silly. I mean yah, they all have a hard time sharing; they are toddlers! So what's the solution?
Well really all Matt and I can do is to hold her when she tells us she is scared, tell her it is okay to be scared, and that it is hard work for the other kids to share just like it is hard work for her to share. Yep. So tonight like most nights, while she was trying to get herself to sleep, Olivia said "Hold you", which means hold me mommy. She was thrashing around a bit. Getting her to sleep has been more than a challenge lately. She has even been taking some aggression out on me by pulling my hair. Of course I tell her not to do that. It sometimes results in me leaving and Olivia crying because now mommy is not going to help her get to sleep or at least is taking a break. But I do try my best to understand that the poor thing is going through an adjustment and needs a little more compassion and a little more help. I mean she has spent every day of her two-year-old life with me. Sure, a few times we have gone out and other people have watched her, but most of the time was spent with me.
So anyways, to deal with the frustrations she has been going through, Olivia has been pulling on my hair. Ouch. It is kind of my fault. She has always been partial to grabbing, mostly gently tugging on my hair when she is tired and when she was a baby, I always let her hold on to my hair. I have to admit that the charm of it has worn off. But tonight we had a bit of a breakthrough: instead of pulling my hair, Olivia reached across the bed, said "hold you mommy", and held my hand until she dosed off to sleep. I am a bit emotional these days, but I must say that did tug at my heart strings. So yah, I get to be a little sappy sometimes. I love that little tyke. I truly do. August 26 BEENANNA (or how to go bananas when putting your child to bed!)(This little do-dad has been sitting in my draft section for quite some time...I thought it would be good to post it.)
Olivia has been yelling BEENANNA (banana) over and over for the past hour and a half. It is bedtime or rather past bedtime now. We already gave her a banana and some bread thinking she might still be hungry. She only ate half the banana but still continues to ask for more. We think she could be teething and that for some reason banana means help me? or medicine? or who knows what. Help! We gave her some of the homeopathic medicine for teething but it isn't helping...
It is nights like these when your child is screeching something totally ridiculous that really makes very little sense when you wish you really could read their minds. A lot of times I feel in tune with Olivia and her needs. But this is really strange. She is so worked up and we don't know what to do. And I? I am exhausted. Matt has her right now. He is trying everything to just get her to take a few deep breaths. Ah the banana requests have stopped or at least for now they have.
(P.S. I can only imagine what my German neighbors are thinking. I know that most of them understand a good amount of English so they are probably wondering why we don't just give our kid the damn banana so she can go to sleep and stop yelling. This is madness folks! Pure madness.) May 19 plants, machines, and flowers--oh my!Ever since we had to use the big scary drill for putting up lights in our apartment, Olivia has been telling us she is scared of the machines. And who can blame her. They are loud and some even take down houses. This I can understand although I do hope she will get over it. I am constantly telling her machines are our friends...god knows the washing machine and dishwasher are my friends...I would hate to have to do all that by hand!
Now Olivia has been telling me she is scared of the houseplants and some flowers. What? I don't know. This seems just over the top but her fear is real and I guess I have to honor that? She won't walk past the pussy willows or thorn bushes on the way to the park. Just about every day that is sunny we take a walk to the park up the street. Lately she has been refusing to get in the dollie (stroller) and I find myself saying get in the kinderwagon now! We usually compromise: I allow her to walk as long as she holds my hand. Well let me tell you she practically jumps in the stroller when we get to the patch of bushes with thorns and pussy willows. She hides her face and srunches her shoulders (her sign for scared) every time.
Then there are the house plants. We got some houseplants to circulate the air in our apartment. Olivia freaked out when we had to put a few of them in the backseat with her on the way back from the store. I finally convinced Olivia to touch one of the houseplants yesterday but today, in fact right now as I write this, she is yelling Mamma Mamma because she is afraid to get down from her chair and walk past the houseplant. Oh well. One step at a time. One step at a time. December 24 The Not So Itsy Bitsy Spider and NaptimeSo I feel pretty bad because I used to be one of those people who would catch a spider and put it outside. Live and let live. Then we had a major spider infestation--well, maybe major is a bit of an exaggeration...we had about 15 rather large ones in just a few weeks. I got bit. I think Olivia might have been bitten, and well, Matt has always hated spiders.
So here's the part where I tell you why I feel bad. Olivia cried when she saw me kill one. And I feel bad because she saw me kill one. I killed it with her lego before her nap a few weeks ago and she got very upset. It was big and hanging right over her crib. I just grabbed the nearest thing and smashed it. I don't know if she cried because of what I did or if the little ahh noise I made when it came at me (like the poor thing could really get me). scared her...and I have felt bad ever sense. Olivia is a Libra...a peacekeeper. I should know better...and now I do. I will try and go back to catching the spiders in cups and putting them outside. My stepfather Jack would also be disappointed since he is the one who taught me to respect all living creatures. I am probably making too much of a big deal out of it but well, forgive me. August 09 The inspectorOlivia got a hold of my purse yesterday and carefully took each item out of it. Some items were immediately discarded but several were put into another pile that she went back to several times. Olivia finds it fascinating to go through all the items, turning them over and over in her hands, and then trying to open them, bang them and of course, eat them. We had a lot of fun playing with my big powder brush. She would dab my face with the brush and I would say oh thank you and can I have some more as she giggled. I find it to be just as fascinating to watch her, especially to watch which items she will toss and which ones she will hoard. It is so cool to see her brain ticking and to see that in there is the makings of a personality. It is so awesome, truly awesome, to see my baby becoming a little person.
Olivia also likes to inspect every new piece of clothing, jewelry (particularly shiny watches and dangling earrings), and every shoe that sets foot in our door. She has spent many a day getting my shoes or Matt's sandals and dragging them around the room and then when strangers arrive, she goes immediately for their shoes. Unfortunately she wants to eat them and well, shoes definitely carry some dirt. Sometimes we can't get to her fast enough to stop her from eating the shoes. But that is okay because, as my great-grandmother used to say, "Into everyone's mouth a little dirt must fall!"
July 21 Love bites!This morning Olivia almost took a chunk out of my arm. She is actively teething. I thought she was trying to cuddle or give me a hug...hahah. She almost punctured the skin and it hurt! When I screamed out in shock and said no biting, she cried. Then she starting yelling at me. I have no idea what she was saying but I understand enough from the tone to know that she was telling me off. Oh yes, it has begun.
Our afternoon was a little better. I managed to get out in the sunshine for a walk down to the main street in the neighborhood with all the shops. After the first shop, I thought "Oh this is going well, why not just go into the bookstore real quick for a peek?"
What a fool I am. Olivia made it about 5 minutes before she starting shrieking and grunting. She started to throw her teething toy out of the stroller just as the kind woman behind the counter went to try and find me a book that I have been meaning to read forever but probably won't have a chance to read anyway. Oh what a fool I am. I was trapped with a screaming baby in a bookstore. Fortunately they do sell quite a few children's books so I was not the only mom in there. I was just the only one trying to pretend that I wasn't going to melt down and drop into a puddle of embarrassment or worse cry or even worse than that, freak out and run.
Ah....teething! And let me tell you, teething toys work for about 5 seconds if you are lucky and Tylenol can only be administered every 4 hours (I got over the oh I shouldn't give her Tylenol so much thing about 3 teeth ago)...And yes, I have tried other things as well. I have tried them all. I even gave Olivia a piece of a melting popsicle (yes, I know that is terrible). She loved it but that only lasted a few minutes.
It is now past 6:00 p.m. and I have been bitten countless times, yelled at, screeched at, and Olivia even managed to get a hold of a few blocks that she threw. Believe me, I told her don't throw, don't hit, don't bite, be gentle...HAH! Gentleness is not something a baby is born with and it is going to be a while before she learns that one. I tried to hold her and rub her back. I took her outside and showed her flowers to try and take her mind off of it. I have read her a gazillion books including the Winnie the Pooh one that I read about 50 times a day and not because I like it but because I suspect that Disney knows what works on babies. I AM EXHAUSTED. She is in her crib now taking a break so her mommy can take a break. So let me end with how I started. Sometimes love bites! (Yes, I have that corny eighties song in mind here...sometimes it is songs like those that help me through!) April 20 Guilt-free parentingOkay I have a list, a long list, of great ambitions--some are daily, some are in the near future, and some are things I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. Lots of people have these lists. There's nothing wrong with that but the problem is I am very hard on myself about getting these things done. There are things I know I should have done daily like making sure the cats are fed (poor things! I realized today their water bowl was bone dry), doing the dishes I always talk about, etc. Then there are things I think I should have done like learning InDesign, etc. These are the things I wish I could do because I am itching to learn something new. And last there are the goals I have for my life like going to Prague, learning how to surf, volunteering with Habitat for Humanity... The problem is I am a goal-orientated person. Some might even say I am type A...And well, at the end of my days lately, the only thing I have managed to do is make sure the baby has been fed, is clothed, sleeping, and happy. THAT IS NO SMALL TASK. I realize this. But it is hard to see the measurables. And I feel so guilty that nothing else is getting done. That I am here at home not working, not using my degree, the degree that forced me to eat macaroni and cheese for years and made me work at times up to 3 jobs so I could make my way through. Yeah the degree that I was determined to get but once I got it, I wasn't sure what to do with it and still don't know what to do with. I feel guilty that somehow my brain is slowing dying. Guilty that I am not doing enough in the community. Guilty that I don't call people back fast enough or often enough. Oh the list could go on and on and on. At least that is what I have been telling myself until today. Today I finally got it. BAM! The truth had to hit me upside the head. YOU HAVE A HAPPY HEALTHY SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. That is what you are accomplishing. Drop the guilt. Free yourself from it. I think we have to let ourselves go. Accept what we are and change the things we don't like, but by all means stop beating ourselves up. I know I am not alone. There are plenty of moms and dads that suffer from guilt. Matt worries all the time that he isn't spending enough time with Olivia. And what I tell him is that she beams with joy every night when he comes home and laughs all weekend long. If he didn't think about time with her and spending time with us as a family, well, then maybe there would be a problem. But the very fact that he thinks about this and worries shows that he cares. He is such a good husband and dad. When I look down at my little baby girl's face and she is giggling uncontrollably and happily at me, as I blow raspberries on her belly and tickle her face with my hair, THAT is when I realize that there should be no guilt. I am doing my job, the hardest and most rewarding one out there--being a parent. That's right--guilt-free baby! And there is no other place I would rather be then right here with my baby! April 19 Babyzilla says good morning mommyIt's 7:30 am. The baby truck already has its back end ripped off and the blocks that go in it are strewn all over the floor. arrggggghhhh arah arah urrrrrrrrrr. Sprinkles the stuffed creature (still not sure what it is) and Molly the Dolly have their heads smashed into the Pooh book we read about 10 times a day--this is the carnage of Olivia's frustration as she tries to work through her 3rd diaper of the morning. I can hear her; I am sitting on the couch about one foot away desperately trying to gulp down a few sips of my already luke warm coffee, trying to hear the morning news. I just want to know something else is going on in the world besides the 15 diaper changes I have a day but it is useless. RAH! Alas, she has torn down the blanket I put over the chair to block her view of the TV. MA MA MA MA! She is yelling my name now and it just keeps getting louder. MAMAMAMMAMAMAHHHHH!!! Olivia is not going to be a shy child or a docile girl. She already lets us know what she wants. Good, I guess, but can our morning start off a little slower, quieter? Does it have to start with books being thrown, toys being clamored together? What happened to the sweet babe I read stories about in all those parenting magazines or the babies in the movies that drift off quietly to sleep? Subtlety is not going to be in the threads of her personality. No, I imagine we will get progress reports that say Olivia is very attentive but a little too aggressive and she talks and talks and talks. Babyzilla, Matt calls her. I wonder, are all babies so loud and destructive or is this the payback my parents used to joke about? RAH! BA BA BA, DA DA DA, MA MA MA! The song and dance of a new day has begun. Olivia has pulled her sock off for the 5th time and is grunting at me as she grabs a book, shuvs it into her mouth, and the rumbles down under burst like thunder. Arhhhhh! COME ON MOMMY, it is time to start our day and CHANGE MY DIAPER NOW! Ah...the corny poems and stories about sweet smiling babes are just fantastical propaganda so people will still continue to have babies. No one tells you that. They don't want you to know that your eyes will be puffier than a puffer fish and that the only alarm you need is the sirens your baby will start sounding whenever she decides it's time to get up (and that could be 7:00 am or it could be 5:00--there is no rhyme or reason.). But that is why they make babies so cute. Olivia is giggling now and smiling up at me as she pokes her head around the chair that failed at blocking the TV from her view (Mommy, come on? I am too smart for that!) and yes, her charm comes over me. Her big, blue eyes and chubby cheeks are cute enough to melt my grouchy morning heart. Okay. It's off to change diaper #3 and start our day. February 12 There is no calling in sickThe hardest part is that when you are a mom, there is no calling in sick. So I have spent the last week trying to get over a cold/flu. Still feel a little icky but getting better. The biggest bummer of all is Olivia has reverted back to only sleeping in 2 hr stretches. Four weeks ago she was sleeping 5 hrs straight but going to bed at 1:00 a.m. Now she is going to bed at 11:00 but only sleeps 2 hrs. Needless to say it was a bit hard to drag myself out of bed. But I made myself get up at 7:30 every day this week and forced myself to take a nap with her at 11:00 so that we could have enough energy to go to the park and enjoy the AWESOME weather we have been getting in Seattle this week So here I am again another week done and I have about 20 people to call and 50 projects to organize. Where does the time go? 15 diaper changes a day, 10 feedings, 5 hrs of rocking, 2 hrs of singing, 2 hrs of reading, and play play play all day long. The wee one is finally taking a nap (it's 6:30 p.m.) so I had to take advantage and do something. This is at least one thing I can usually accomplish in a short amount of time. Ahh, set realistic goals! Check! I did one load of laundry and managed to write today. Booyah! :) |
(psss...I will let you in on a little secret, it doesn't really rain all the time here. In fact, it is BEAUTIFUL a lot of the days. But if too many people find that out then the housing market will get even more ridiculous here. LOL!). 
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