I just finished going through some of the articles in Spirit and Self on Oprah.com (Hey, don't laugh. There are some good things there). Check out Martha Beck's Guide to Avoiding Avoidance. Anyways I realized a few things. One, maybe I have been avoiding being an active contributor to the world at large. I feel like I sort of checked myself out when I quit my job to stay at home after having Olivia. I stopped being involved completely except for all things mom or parenting related. I became sort of an outraged but muted bystander when Bush got re-elected but I did nothing politically to ty and stop it from happening (How did he get re-elected?). I got upset about 911 and Hurricane Katrina but did nothing… well I did donate a few dollars to a relief fund and I bought an emergency pack. Well actually we moved halfway around the world because we felt like maybe we should see what else is out there. I am glad we did but in a way we also checked ourselves out of being American. How did that happen?

 

Then there is the whole I haven't driven a car in almost two years thing. What? That is insane. I hate to admit it but it is true. I haven't driven a car since we moved here to Germany. I forced myself to drive a little in Seattle. I started driving again and then I got here and said no way. People drive so fast here. It is a foreign country. It will take too much time to take driving lessons. They are forcing me to take driving lessons. Ummm Hmmm. Yah. I had and still continue to have lots of excuses. Here is the thing. I don't really need a car to get things done. I can do it all by foot. It is very liberating because well, I have sort of a ridiculous anxiety about driving. So here in lies the reality check number two, which really needs to be number one because I think it takes center stage for me and my life right now. I have not driven a car and therefore I have had to rely on other people to drive me around. I have had to take the backseat to life and be driven around by other people. That is not me. That is not who I am. I have been some sort of inconvenience. What did I sort of just check out of being responsible because of fear of what could happen? That is silly. See I have been in a lot of accidents not all by my doing but the strange thing is some of them were potentially very dangerous catastrophic but somehow it all worked out and no one really got hurt that bad. I have had a fear of driving since I was a little girl. The first accident I was in was when I was five years old and the bus I was on ran into a house (the bus driver had a seizure. We were all okay though somehow).  I can’t believe I am admitting this. I guess it is good.  

 

I seriously do not understand this but for some reason I can get in a car in Worcester, MA and drive with very bad drivers (sorry but there are some very bad drivers there) and I am somehow okay with that. I am okay. Maybe it is because that is where I learned to drive and Iknow what to expect out of the other drivers ( Trust me. Always assume they don't see you and they will cut you off!). But when I think about driving in and around Boston, I seize up with fear. I am not alone. Other people I know refuse to drive in Boston. But the reality is if we move back to Massachusetts and we live outside of Boston, I will have to drive. I mentioned this the other day. But the thing is I get it. I am going to drive.

 

Sometimes I go about pitying myself, and all the while I am being carried on great winds across the sky (An Ojibwa saying refered to in Martha Beck's article, Yes, It Was Awful--Now Please Shut Up. Put All Your Energy Into Your Life's Work.) but I have decided that I need to take contol here and not let that happen. My ridiculousness is over. My silly fears can be thrown to the wind. I am going to grab the reins and drive. I am facing the fact that I have to live my life for right now. Yesterday is over and tomorrow may never come. If I keep saying I am driving and I can drive, then it will be fine. I am not going to take a backseat to life because of some ridiculous fear of what could happen. Yep. Craziness is over. Over and out. Over and out. And you know what, I am looking forward to it. The freedom to go anywhere.

 
 

It is strange but or some reason we just never put up anything over our sofa. It is one big empty white space. We kept meaning to hang family photos and even talked about buying a piece of art or something but every Saturday when the time came to hang something up, we just never got around to doing it. Saturdays are the only days we do mass shopping (more than 2 bags of groceries...more than two bags requires you drive instead of walk with bags) because it is the only day that things are open on the weekend and the week is just too busy. And so consequently every Sunday when we aren't allowed to hang things because the drill and hammers make too much noise and you can't by apartment code of honor use drills on Sunday, we both talk about doing it anyway with a childish gleam in our eyes. But in the end we just never hung anything over the couch and it has been this big blank spot just glaring at me.

 

I guess the truth is I just never got settled in here. I never settled into the routines and rythmns that my neighbors all seem to keep. I have one neighbor who gets up the same time every day, goes to the store on foot rain or shine with her two kids at the same time every day, and she gets her dinner on the table at the same time every day and the kids in bed at the same time every day. We hear her on Saturdays mornings coming back after getting all her shopping done and Matt and I often exchange little smirks because we haven't even gotten dressed yet. Another neighbor actualy told me that she has to have her dinner started by 5:15 so they can eat at 6:15 so that kids can be in bed at 7:30 sharp. She means it too. I mean I have seen her getting those kids into bed right on the dot and I have seen the table being cleared at 6:30 right on the dot. We try soooooo hard to get that down. That pattern. And for the most part we eat at the same time and go to bed at the same time but we just aren't like clockwork. We just aren't programmed to get it all down pat. No, like yetersday somehow it was 3:45 p.m. and it was just too late for Olivia to take a nap. We were playing with her activity book, tracing letters, playing school and stuff and then blink it was too late. SO we gave up on the nap and threw both kids in the car. At 4:30 p.m. we pulled out of the driveway. Try as we might somehow diapers have to be changed, faces have to be washed, we can't find the diaper bag even though we keep it in the hallway under the coat rack and no matter what we do, we just don't get out of the house in less than an hour from the time we decide we are leaving. Then when we got to the park, Olivia was sleeping and so was the baby. Hah! Matt and I drove around and talked for 45 minutes and then woke Olivia up so she could play. By the time we made it home, it was 7:30 p.m. My neighbors we getting their kids in bed. We did the walk of shame up to our house and sad as this is, Olivia had Cheerios for dinner. Matt and I ate dinner at 10:00 pm after we got one tired temper tantrum throwing toddler and a very fussy teething baby to bed. But we wanted to bring her to the cool park. Oh well.

 

So about the empty spot on the wall. Well, I have had the blank spot in other places I lived too. When you rent, you know you are going to move again and it sometimes can be demotivating. I wish we could just move back and buy a place but we do have to PLAN for something like that and it takes time. And as I mentioned Matt and I are not the best planners in the world. We are getting better though. The big white space bothers me but I am not going to bother to hang anything now. No, for now, well, I just have to wait until Matt finds out about jobs and we find out where we are moving and then we have to pack it all up again and find some new place to hang our pictures.  But some day I am going to get a house, paint one of the walls red just because I can and hopefully I will get all my pictures hung.

I have faithfully been doing my yoga two to three times a week for the past few months now. I knew that it would help me work through all these changes that my body and mind have been going through: getting over having a baby, being a mother of two, being a foreigner in a foreign land. What I didn't realize is that it would help me get closer to me and I guess for lack of a better explanation, it is helping me get closer to "God." I am not a religious person. I have often admired those that are and have even tried several things out myself but to no avail. I never found the right "one." But even so I have always tried to still be spiritual. I do this through yoga, meditation, and by saying some Buddhists prayers I have learned over the years. 

 

Now here is the thing. I have heard that yoga can open your mind's eye and open the gates to spirituality but I guess I never really beleived it until today. Maybe it was because I have been so stretched mentally and emotionally lately, especially this week because Matt has been away, but whatever the reason, yoga brought me to tears today. As I was standing there in Vrikshana-the Tree pose, I started to shake and then I felt this rush of warmth come over me. My body felt heavy and I suddenly felt so sad. I felt so sad that I cried. I sat down and cried. I layed down on the floor in Corpse pose and let my body rest while I focussed my mind on the sadness.

 

It's okay. Sadness is part of life. Don't be afraid of it. Accept it. I know it can freak people out to talk about this sort of thing. So sorry if it does. The thing is I am not freaked out by it at all. I needed to go through this. You see I just realized that all this hard stuff I have been dealing with: feeling isolated, living without family around, being a new mom all over again, being a mom of a toddler, struggling to be a better friend and soulmate to my husband, working through anger, all this makes me who I am. Anger is the biggest thing I realized that I have been working through. I have to work through anger so I can pass through to sadness into acceptance. And then once I do this, I can hopefully become a stronger person, a more compassionate soul.

 

I was sad before we moved here. I was sad when I moved to Seattle. I was sad when Matt's sister died. I was angry at,  well, among many things, my dad (he pretty much walked out of my life when I was twelve). I was even angry at the universe for a while there. But most of all I was angry at myself for not dealing with things in the past in the best way. And now I am accepting every single bit of it. I am accepting that this is life. You cannot grow strong roots just as a storm is starting to form. No, you must already have the foundation for strong roots so you can survive life's storms. (these are not my words but from a Buddhist prayer I learned years ago and somewhere in these thoughts I am reminded of ELizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love because she too seemed to go through this and maybe it has somehow influenced me?). This can only be done through discipline, through practice, through acceptance, and by working through all that is hard. I know this. Yes, I do.  

 

So in my moment of weakness, somehow I felt this surge of strength. I will get through all of this. One way or another I will make it back home...to my family and to my friends. I am going home. God has heard me or the universe or whatever you want to call it, has heard me. I am going home. I know I am. I just know it. Namaste (thank you).

I haven't been able to write much about this. You see, I am working through something. I guess I am working through figuring out my true self. I have been searching for wise people, wise sayings. I came across a quote from Sarah Ban Breathnach in an Oprah show on Appreciating Your Life. It struck me to the core.

 

 

Three years ago Matt's sister Amy died in a car accident. It was devastating. I remember how raw and how empty it felt to lose her--how hard it was to believe that someone so young, with so much just beginning (she was a new mom), how could she die? It was terrible to watch my husband struggle with agony and regret. Why didn't we go home for Christmas? Why? We had plans to go see Amy in March because we couldn't afford the flight back for Christmas.  Amy died a fews days after the new year.

 

I started thinking about Amy again because one of Matt's coworkers, Suzanne, died in a terrible car accident. It was senseless thing: a few young kids were on drugs running from the cops in a stolen car and they hit her and her friend on her moped going about 120 mph. Matt and I were just talking and joking around with Suzanne at the BBQ she put together a few days before she died. It kind of hits you funny. I didn't know her that well but I thought about her mother and her family and the terrible pain they will suffer. My gut wrenches and twists when I think about unexpected death. It is a shock. The thing with Suzanne is that every time I saw her she would tell me about a recent trip she had been on or a trip she was planning. She lived her life for the day; she lived to travel and see the world. Suzanne even told me that one time she planned a 2 month trip to New Zealand. She warned her boss a year or more in advance when she accepted her position and said she didn't care if she had to take unpaid leave to do it. That was how she was. You go when you can and don't second guess yourself because you may never have the chance again. Go live life.

 

With Amy, well, I think about Amy when Matt and I go places. Amy wanted to see a lot of the world and she told me about it a few times. We were friends. I wished we lived closer because I could sit with her for hours just talking and talking away about anything and nothing at all. Amy was a good listener and exuded an inner calmness when I told her things. She didn't judge. Amy had that presence about herself that made you want to be around her. She smiled the biggest smile and that smile somehow made life seem like anything was possible. And her hugs? How can I forget her hugs. She had these very strong hands with long fingers and she would wrap her arms around me and give me the most solid hug you could ever imagine and then afterwards she would jump up and down with excitement at seeing her brother Matt.

 

When Amy died, life seemed impossible. Matt and I cried. He collapsed on my lap while I tried to not let the shock shake me to pieces. I tried not to cry too much around him because I wanted to be strong for him. Amy was his sister and I still don't like to imagine what it would be like if I lost my only sister. Amy's death was a big wakeup call to me. I guess I never thought someone I knew would die so young. It made me feel like anyone around me could die at any second. I had nightmares that I would get another call at work with dooming news. For a while I immersed myself in work. I couldn't make sense of what had happened so I worked like a madwoman and as long as I was making my deadlines, then I felt like I was in control. But you can't control your life and eventually the things you are hiding from, they come back to haunt you over and over until you deal with them properly. I worked like a crazy person because I started to feel like if Amy could die so could I, that if I didn't work crazy hours and do everything and anything my bosses (I had 2 at the time) asked of me, then I would fail. Life would fall apart. I would just fade away.

 

I grew to truly hate my job. I couldn't say no to anyone. I have always had that problem. The worst thing is I started to hate myself. I wasn't living my life for me: I was living it for the silly deadlines and goals my work set for me. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was just the work I put out. I was so wrapped up in surviving that I wasn't living my life. Then somehow Matt and I pulled ourselves through this dark time and we started working on getting married. Matt is my best friend and my life partner. I knew that when I met him. I knew that he was someone important. I felt it in my core. We got married and then I became someone else. Somehow work seemed less important. Something in my instincts, in my gut, way down in my soul said it was time to be a mom. I woke up one day and said I am going to have a baby.

 

I am a mom now.  I love Olivia Lynne more than anything and with so much intensity that I can't imagine my life before I had her. The thought of losing her makes me shudder and is truly unbearable. Whenever I hear about a young person dying, I think about the poor parents, about the mom who lost part of herself. Life must go on but I don't want to ever take what I have for granted. So I hold Olivia close and say a Buddhist prayer of thanks.

 

We moved here to Germany because something in our souls spoke to us. It said: you need to go away from where you come from to find out who you are. You need to see the world so you can appreciate your life and the world around you.

 

We light a candle for Amy every time we go into an awe-inspiring unbelievable church. Every place we go in Europe I say a little prayer to Amy and even though it sometimes fills me with great sadness to think about her, I made a promise to try and see the greater good in things. Amy would want it that way. Her death is a reminder to live our lives fully with thanks and goodness.  I try and tell myself that she died around the new year because every year we need to be reminded to be thankful for what we've got and that we need to live our lives now.  Suzanne's death is another reminder. I don't regret moving here to Germany. I am living my life the way I feel in my gut I am supposed to.  And so with that I bring us back to the beginning:

 

The only wound your soul never recovers from is regret. If tomorrow may never come, then let today be the best day we can have.

 

 

Did you ever sit for a very long time all by yourself waiting for something profound to happen? Did you ever wonder why no matter what you seem to do, how many people you are around, or how many things you get involved with, you still seem to be alone?

 

I had one of those moments. I let the tears fall down. Yes, I realize most people don't like to admit that-- to show weakness is scary. I especially have great difficulty showing my weaknesses. I used to be afraid to admit--god forbid--that I am human. As a child, my father used to tell me not to cry...it was not okay to cry...you have to be tough, stoic. Well yes in some ways you do. I do in order to live my life and get things done but you also have to be allowed to cry. Crying is a release. It is a purifying process that washes away the layers of harshness the world puts around us. Through tears I sometimes see my future. I sometimes see that what seemed so terrible, so sad is actually something I had to go through only so I could be more aware of the things that are so much better. I have felt alone because I think I needed to be alone for a while.

 

Sometimes I see myself in the people I choose to be friends with. I see who I want to be in those that give me courage and I also see things in other people that I need to change about myself. Isn't a true test of friendship if you can work through something that went wrong, if you can find forgiveness? If you yourself can forgive whatever it is someone did and if that person in turn can also forgive you? I think there is some Buddhist thing that I read a while ago that said embrace those that challenge you: Listen to what they say and listen to what your gut is saying about them; whatever it is that another person does that offends you could also be at the very heart of what it is you yourself need to change. For years I have been working through being someone else. It is through that process, breaking down the thickness of whatever cloak I shield myself with, through the struggles of admitting weaknesses and mistakes, this is where I am finding my true self. I chose to move away, far away, because I need to be something more then I was in the past, more then I was when I was a child, more then I was when I was 20-something. Sometimes you have to go away from everything you were in order to get closer to who you are now and who you will you be in the future.

 

I guess when I was sitting there today feeling a little sad, I realized I haven't been such a good friend. And you know if I want to have good friendships I ought to be a better friend. It is that simple, isn't it? It is so simple that it made me realize how ridiculous I can be sometimes. Ah well, I guess I am only human.