So funny that when you stop trying so hard or when you just stop caring so much, it is then that things start to flow a little more naturally in the every day things of life. I went to the store and then to the Kita all within an hour. In that time, I ran into 3 people I didn't really know that said things to me in German. I understood the full sentences from two of the people and barelly understood anything from the nice old lady I see every once in a while who says things about my children and smiles when I pass her on the street. I am not sure what the nice old lady said but I know it was about the baby and just smiled big in return. Not bad. Two out of three people only spoke in German and I understood them completely. I will take it. LOL. If only I started my experience here that way. If I could do it all over again I totally would have learned MORE German BEFORE coming here. It would have made a lot of sense to do that. Because the thing is once you are living here you are dealing with more than langauge issues...culture shock rocks your world and you don't even know it until several months have passed and you feel totally overwhelmed. So taking the lessons before you go somewhere sure does help. We did about 2 months of lessons twice a week. That was all we could do. We found out about whether he had the job here only 3 months before we moved so naturally we did what we could. And then I should have forced myself to somehow get into the language classes once I put Olivia into the Kita instead of hiring a private tutor who didn't work out. Maybe I should have tried another private tutor but I just gave up for a while. (Hey I was pregnant and tired and still had a very energetic toddler to deal with.)

 

Ah isn't life funny? I am understanding so much more then I thought I would given that I have had so very little formal training in German and now I am getting ready to leave. Hah! And then I had the same lost English word thing happen again today when I was trying to talk to my mom. I found myself translating something from German into direct English. It didn't make sense because it is not how native English speakers would say it. But it was the best I could do because for some reason I just couldn't find the words.  Oh well. I guess that is life.  

I had this nightmare type dream the other night...actually I have had it a few times in the past month, that I forgot how to talk. I couldn't communicate in English anymore. I think last night  in my dream I was in the middle of an interview and my mind shortcircuited. This is so ridiculous of course because these days I barely mumble a Tschuss and Shon Tag and the like in German and mostly speak English. But it happens. I mean you can forget. I have a lot of moments living here when I just can't remember the word that I am searching for in English. Someone will be speaking in German and I will be trying with all my might to follow the conversation and then they will stop and say what is the word in English. And I don't know the exact word because I have been trying to just get the jist of the conversation. I don't even know all the words that the person has used in German but I am trying  so hard to just understand the idea of what they are saying that I just can't think anymore in English. Does this make sense? I don't know it in German or in French or in any other language either. It is just hanging there in my mind like some ghost of a word waiting to be caught so I can make sense of it all. It really is rather mentally exhausting. I envy those that can switch from one language to the next without these stalls. I hope some day I can be better at one of the languages I have tried to learn. Some day. But really I am looking forward to just getting back to English.

 

Imagine being able to read the whole ad on billboards and to read my mail in full, even the junk mail, and actually understand what it says. Or how about being able to read the instructions for food items and not have to read a little of each language : French, German, and Dutch (I shop at a Belgian supermarket which has these languages on its packages) and then have to piece it all together to figure out what to do. Yeah that is hard but somehow I muck my way through. Ridiculous I know but so true. I guess I am starved for long conversations in English with people who are native speakers. Heck I can't wait to speak English and not even have to think about who is a native speaker. I want to not have to think about trying to talk slow or chose my words so that someone can understand me. I can't wait. I just want to get back. It feels like an eternity. I have only been here just shy of two years but I just feel like I have been gone a very very long time. And to think we might move back to my home town...well sort of home town...Boston. I hope we do. I guess it will all work out. Either Boston or Seattle. We are going back soon. And hopefully when I get back I will be cured of this anxiety I have of not knowing the words. I can just talk. Imagine that.

 

Okay. I am about to scream. I wish I could. I get so frustrated by the UNSOCLITATED advice from people here. My daughter goes to a Kita for the mornings. We put her in there so she could have a social outlet with other kids, learn German, and to help me out. There have been several parents who are just not friendly. Fine. I have come to expect that. I mean our children only play together ever day...how strange of me to want to say hello, goodbye, and god forbid make conversation with the other parents? I can't take it. There are a few that will say hello and smile but there have been just as many who won't even say hello or give me the time of day. So here is yet another one of unhappy moments shall we say.

 

One woman has a son about Olivia's age that has been going since Olivia started about a year ago. I saw this woman every day Monday-Friday for half a year. I smile and she does not smile back. I have said hello and she barely says hello back. I stopped trying. Only natural thing to do. Then one day she says this whole story about how she might have to move to Michegan and oh my god how terrible it will be. She was talking to all the other mothers and staff people in high-speed German. I was not sure what she was saying but caught the jinst of it. Anyways after never having more than an awkward hello from her I always assumed she thought I was strange or was embarassed for me because she knew I spoke English and very bad German. I figured maybe she doesn't like that I have to speak English to get by. SO anyways she looks at me in disgust and says in perfect English "Now I will be like you." Then turns away from me and continues in highspeed German to speak to everyone else. I don't exist in this woman's world except as an example of how terrible life can be? Is that it? What the hell am I supposed to make of that one? Great. Clearly I disgust you. I guess she was trying to relate. I blew it off and said in English that it won't be so bad. It will be an experience. She just looked away all huffy. That is my history with this woman.

 

So then today I see her and I see that she is getting out of her car with her baby and I hold the door open for her and smile. I then say hallo. To which she replies in English, "I have to tell you something. That baby carrier you have your baby son in is not good. It is bad for his spine." I look at her a bit horrified because this is not how you start a conversation with someone you barely speak to and then I say, "yes I know that this is not the best carrier. I have another one that is better but I could not find it today. She the blinks and says "It is particularly bad for the baby when you carry him facing forward."

 

BAMN! Just like that. Slap across the face. Right in your face. Why even tell me? I guess because you want to make sure I know I am not being a good mother. You want to advise me to do something better. Fine. I didn't ask you to help me but clearly the stupid American woman needs help. You know, it really pissed me off.

 

I looked at her one more time and said "I know this is not the best carrier but he was fussy and I couldn't find my other one." I said it nice and slow to make sure she heard me. She then looks away and does not make eye contact with me again.  I guess I am a terrible mother for putting my son in the Baby Bjorn (geez how can they get away with selling them if they hurt babies that badly, huh?) for the ten minute walk to and from the house (ten minutes total is what it takes mind you). I must be a dispicable being. What the hell?!

 

(and after I had such a nice morning...maybe it is yet another reminder to me as to why I am leaving) 

'K so I had my freak out. I think I am entitled to feel a little freaked out every once in a while. I apologize to Germany and to anyone else who thought my previous blog was a bit overboard. I am working on it. It is just I am soooooooooo  tired (mother of a 3 month old and two and a half year old). I am socially isolated a bit. IT happens to mothers with young children even when they are in their own country. Here it is just harder. And don't think I didn't try. Here is my story.

 

When I first arrived here, I was so culture shocked and overwhelmed with the move that it took all my brain power just to go to the grocery store and buy groceries. Seriously. It happens. You go to the grocery store and look for chocolate chips, baking soda, and brown sugar and then you freak out because they don't have it here. I was warned about those before moving but it is true...you aren't sure what meat you are getting unless you bring your dictionary or gulp suck up your pride and just ask someone for help (and here unlike back in USA, people will help you). Matt and I spent our first few months in a temporary apartment and we just walked around in a sort of stupor, somewhat enjoying everything like a silly tourist does...we saw differences but liked it as a sort of temporary adventure. We had a few moments of OH MY GOD and I MISS SO MANY PEOPLE and WHERE IS THE FOOD I LIKE? and all that sort of silly stuff. But you get over that and just sort of move on. You have to survive so you pick up phrases like Alles clar and genau and oh Tsuss (not sure of spelling..don't have dictionary here). This gets you by but is not enough. So then you seek out human contact beyond the grocer or the friendly hi-bye nice day neighbor.

 

So a few months later I went to a Crawbe Gruppe (excuse all spelling for the moment...don't have dictionary available at moment)...a crawling group where I thought I might meet some other mothers--you bring your little kids there to play and in theory chit chat with the other mothers. Well I went there 7 times. The first few times was okay because I was new and it seemed okay that I didn't know that much German (I had only been here for 4 months when I started going). Then the next couple of times I had two mothers talk to me about how terrible it is that people come here and don't learn German. I am not sure if that was a dig on me but it made me feel a little uncomfortable. I blew it off and decided it was not a dig but just someone trying to relate to me but it still made me feel very selfconscious. And then I sucked it up and went a few more times. The last few times I went I was just sitting by myself with a stupid grin on my face, zoning out a bit while all of the kids were playing trying my hardest to understand what everyone was talking about. It made my brain explode. I didn't go there thinking anyone would speak English to me. That is a very conceited thing to think. But I somehow thought I would be able to break through to the other side and have some sort of WOW I understand German now thing happen. I ended up feeling very uncomfortable because I couldn't say much and had to say excuse me or I don't understand so often that I gave up on myself and I think secretly a few of the mothers also gave up on trying to talk to me too. I don't blame them. It is hard. I get it. One woman actually asked me in English if it was uncomfortable for me to be there because it was so hard for me. I thought I was going to cry but basically it was the end for me. I felt too conspicuous. It was just too hard.

 

I never took advantage of the Stadt language sponsored German classes. I couldnt really do that. You see I had a one and a half year old at the time and my husband was working. I didn't feel like I could find a sitter to take classes during the day or at night. And the classes they had for mothers with kids I was told were for people who didnt even know how to read and write in their own language. I wish I had figured out a way to take classes. That I do regret. We hired a private tutor but that didn't work out too good because she didn't speak enough English to really help us and instead had to use French to explain things when she couldn't think of the English words. That was not a good idea. It just didn't work for me. I mean even though I have had like 8 years of French, I really just know enough to get by. So anyways learning German while translating from French to English doesn't work. We were going to look for another tutor but well I got pregnant and was sooooo tired and then I just well, it fizzled. Excuses, excuses, excuses. But really pregnancy is somewhat hard on me...last time I was on bedrest for 3 months so I just couldn't mentally do it while taking care of a two year old.

 

There are other avenues I explored. Well, I went to the bookstore several times and hung out in the children's area thinking maybe just maybe I would meet someone there. Didn't happen. Well it did happen just a few weeks ago...met another mother who speaks English but I didn't call her because I just felt it wouldn't be fair to make this big effort and then up and leave in a few months time. Besides I practically threw myself into a conversation with her and I was afraid she thougth I was a bit odd...really I wouldn't normally do that but I guess I was feeling so socially starved that I just inserted myself into a conversation and said hey let't try an playdate. It is hard to put yourself out thee like that. Anyways I also tried the library but unfortunately there was no one there the few times I went nor did I see any organized children's reading hour. I also bought a book about kinder stuff but didn't really know enough German and was too prideful to ask someone to help me translate all the stuff. The little I translated was mostly kid stores, kid doctors, and stuff like that. The few things in the book that seemed like groups...well I was too chicken to try out my "bad" German. I do regreat that a bit.  I also went to the playground just about every day at the same time every day because in Seattle this was how I met other mothers. I thought this might also work here in Aachen. I saw the same people every day and I am sorry to admit this and sorry this is true but I even said hello and goodbye to people after a while and for the most part NO ONE said anything back. Our children would play together and I would sit there smiling and no one talked to me. And when I would talk to my little Olivia in English and broken German I swear that made it worse because it seemed as though people moved away from me.  It could have been in my mind  but in any case I just didn't connect with anyone. A couple of times a few people said hello and that was it but after a while I  just stopped trying. Now I have to say that in Massachusetts no one would probably talk to me at the playground either. I think it is just human nature that if you are different or an unknown it is going to be harder for you. So that said, I still go to the playground because I am not going to punish my child and not bring her to the playground just because I am a bit uncomfortable. But admittingly I go for a half hour here or there when I can drag my tired self and baby out of the house. Let's see. Oh we even started going to the Swimhalle to go swimming on Sundays but we really didn't go there to meet people. We went to have fun and on the offchance that we might meet other people. But the baby is too little right now to do that so have to put that on hold for a bit.  No, I didn't try the churches. But I am not a churchgoer and I just couldn't see going if I wasn't there in the true spirit of the church. So that is my story sad but true. I DID try and even with everything going on, I am still tryng a little because you have to survive.

 

I came here wanting to know German and to experience what it is like to live abroad and to live here in Germany. And please don't misunderstand me: there are wonderful things about Germany. For one thing everyone has health care. Germany is one of the best environmentally conscientious places I know of, certainly eons ahead of America and here the politicians seem to care about the environment here which is WAY MORE than I can say for the lovely, disasterous, don't care if it doesn't make money Bush Administration. Germany takes care of its children here. There are fantastic Kindergartens and schools in general are just awesome. They even give people money (Kindergeld) so that you can send your children to Kindergarten or you can to use it to help you along in other things if need be (although it is my understanding they probably want you to use it for your children and their education). In fact, I was so impressed with the Kindergarten we have down the street from us that I wanted to have my mother come take a tour because she is an early education specialist in the state of Massachusetts and would love to see their program. There is also really good kitchenware, tools, and just about anything German made is very good quality in my opinion. Oh there is a lot here that is wonderful. IT is just very far away from my family and my friends and I am sorry I don't speak enough of the language to break down the cultural barriers. There have been some wonderful people who have been more than willing to help us with things. I really appreciate that. I have some great neighbors who have made us feel a lot more welcome here. But we really haven't made "friends". THAT is hard. It takes time. I know that. I moved all the way across the country to Seattle when I was 22 years old and had to make friends there. And that was hard but not knowing the language or truly understanding all the cultural differences makes it THAT MUCH HARDER here. And we planned to only be here for a few years and then after that, we would make a decision to stay or go. That is the truth of the matter. We were somewhat foolish thinking that we would BOOM pick up the language. We totally downplayed all cultural differences because in truth it is very similar in many ways to America but also very different in other ways. We did take German lessons both before we came and for several months before I had my baby son. But all the stuff we tried and everything just hasn't been enough to really get us to the point where we can stay here long term.

 

SO I am sorry. Es tut mir leid. I will miss things about being here. I don't write in my blog as some sort of dig on Germany. I am writing from my heart about my life. I am just one person and I just write about what I experience. This does not mean my experience is everyone's experience. I haven't given up. I have challenged myself to try and learn something new in German every day and to help myself along, I have been watching a half hour or so of German TV. Dharma and Greg works for me. LOL. I want to at least know as much German as I can before I leave. Some day we want to come back and show our son where he was born and show our daughter, who loves her Kita and already knows tons more German than me or my husband, that this is where we once lived.  I still want to be able to know some German. This has been a good experience for an American. We don't tend to challenge ourselves to do this sort of thing. We pushed ourselves to try something different and we knew it would be difficult but we just didn't think it would be THAT hard. I know why a lot of people looked at us like "Are you crazy?" when we moved here. It is DAMN hard.  But we are different for doing this and have broadened our horizons....the world is not so big or scary. You can be outside your comfort zone. You should do that some time or as often as you...it will only make you stronger. So hey, at least we tried. And at least we are trying, right?

 

 

Okay I am attempting to figure out this very long piece of mail I got in German. Well as you all know from my last blog (sorry it was such a rant), I really don't speak and certainly don't read German all that well. Matt and I have all our reocurring bills set up to auto pay and so when we get mail that isn't a bill we go through it every couple of weeks unless it looks important. This one looked important to me. When we determine the mail is important we then have to try and read it. I tried but it is 3 pages and I know it is important because it is about "Ihres Kindes" (my children).

 

So now that I know it is about my child I quickly see that there is some big number in there 2500,00EUR monatlich. Ut oh....what does this mean? Something I am not doing could be 2500.00 euros a month. Hmmm....In order to determine what it is regarding, I typed the first paragraph into Altavista Babelfish translation. This could take  a while--there are 15 paragraphs with very long sentences full of very long German words. The first try at deciphering this letter reads back "

 

 

Yes I am an idiot when it comes to reading German and the translator isn't helping. So now I have to suck up my pride and ask someone to help me translate this document. It clearly is important but I have no idea what I am supposed to do with it. I am guessing it is not about electrodes at all. But it is about my children and most likely is about my son because I know "Geburt" is to be born and that is all over this document.

 

I suspect it is about Kindergeld or registering our son with the German government or something, which we couldn't even register for until now because it took us 5 times to get our birth certificate from the Stadthaus and you can't do anything until you get the 5 copies of the birth certificate from the Stadthaus. You see Matt went down there two times and the woman refused to speak to him because she couldn't understand his German and to a fault, he went a half hour before they closed. Then the third time he figures out she is saying something about our marriage certificate not being okay. What? He asked her what she means and she says in perfect English I will not accept your marriage certificate becaues it doesn't look official enough. Then she proceeds to tell him he needs something blah blah blah in high-paced German...to which poor Matt asks her if she can slow down because he is learning German and his German is not so good. No. She will not slow down. Bring someone who speaks German next time. Bye. The thing is we don't really care that much about the damn kindergeld but we need the German certificate in order to get our son's American citizenship. If I needed to leave the country, I could NOT leave because my son does not exist. Finally we beg someone to help us and they tell us that we have to get a new marriage certificate with a more pronounced stamp on it because she doesn't believe that I am really married to Matt or that this child who was born here in Aachen for which I have the hospital papers to prove that he was born here might not have been born here in Deutschland afterall. WHAT?! I gave birth in the hospital here. Unless it was a dream or more like a nightmare? I got stuck 16 times in the back after the pain got bad enough during birth because they gave me some stuff to induce my labor and I could not control the pain. So I gave in and had an epidural but the person giving it to me didn't know what she was doing and literally stuck me 14 times before calling her more experienced boss who stuck me only twice lucky me. I still have a few spots on my back to prove it. But no, my son was not born HERE evnethough I have the documents that he was born here. (Now the birth part was not so good but the way they handled the complications my son had was excellent I must say...on a side note the healthcare here is  better and coverd everything as opposed to the US. Germany has better healthcare in many ways and the experience was good in the hospital except the terrible experience of being in a teaching hospital and having the shots and being offered headcheese for meals--yuck!).

 

So my 80-year-old grandmother goes back to the small town in America where we got the marriage certificate and begs the woman to please stamp the stamp extra hard and make the document look extra official so we can get our son his AMERICAN citizenship. Finally the fifth time Matt goes down there the woman refuses to see him and he says in perfect German, LET ME SEE YOUR BOSS. THe boss looked at the second marriage certificate we had overnighted here and finally agreed it would suffice. Last week we went to the Embassy (we both have to go with our son) and we got his baby passport pictures and now THANK GOD he is now a citizen of a country,, the good old USA. I don't care about the German one. We have 5 more forms and 5 more offices to go to with these forms and we haven't done it because all we care about is he gets his citizenship.

 

So anyways Um I don't want Outer ground electrodes being around my children or affecting my child's education especially after all I have been through just to prove my child exists (see the bold text above). Laugh Out Loud! If you can't have a sense of humor about these things well then life is too serious...I am laughing a bit. Yoga has once again made me realize that yes I may be unhappy  here but there are a lot of nice things about being here and I especially love the Kita my daughter goes to and the staff there rocks. They have been so nice and so helpful I will miss them tremendously. I guess either I bring it to one of them and ask if they can help me or poor Matt has to bring it to work and bow his head in shame after he waits for someone to translate for him. This is what I mean when I say living in a foreign land where you don't speak the language keeps you humble, very humble. 

Okay. When you move to a foreign country, you tell yourself that everything is going to work out. You convince yourself that it is not a big deal that the place you are moving doesn't speak English because surely they will speak English for you (yes, the English-speaking world does tend to be this arrogant). You downplay the cultural differences and pretend they don't exist because you truly want to believe that it will work out. You move here and expect that overnight you will be so smart and learn the language--BAMN!- just like that. You buy the software and the books and then you get your confindence and go out to try out your newfound knowlege. And then you get to the cash register and the cashier asks you the simplest thing and you freak out because you have NO IDEA, not even the slightest idea what they said. You smile and hope that smiling is the correct response. When smiling doesn't work you say yes and hope this is the right response and when this is clearly this is not the response because it is not a yes or no question, well then you take your things out of there and run. RUN. You think you are on an extended vacation, a fun little holiday excursion and at firstyou travel like everywhere and then...reality sits in. The funny looking signs you can't read: they are your reality now. The person asking you a question while you smile stupidly not knowing what they said: they are your reality. Oh and no they don't have your favorite tv show on in English...you see it on the tele but it is dubbed. That's right. Reality sets in: YOU ARE A FOREIGNER IN A FOREIGN LAND AND YOU MY FRIEND DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE.

 

These experience used to happen all the time in the beginning. And then I started to learn what the right response was even though I couldn't explain the exact translation nor could I even begin to spell and sometimes I didn't even really know what I was saying. But I learned the right response nonetheless and it helped me feel a little bit more normal being here. And that is where my language learning stopped. I can say all kinds of expressions: alles clar (all is clear...i understand); exactly; let's go; we are going home; what are you doing?; what's wrong? I would like some bread and water please (seriously just like in Goodmorning Vietnam). BUt at the end of teh day when I run into my neighbors or I see a parent from the Kita and they start talking, I barely undertand what they are saying and I have to guess. It is like a jigsaw puzzle or one of those fill-in-the-blank word puzzles except I never get the whole puzzle. I almost never understand everything completely but I understand enough to get the jist of it. At this point that is okay with me.

 

I could even deal with the rules that we have here. There are rules for everything and people will let you know. Like when our neighbors in the beginning gave us lots of "friendly" (being sarcastic) advice about where to put our trash (I have some "friendly" advice for those old hags too). Or like the complete stranger who came over to the car and told me to turn off the engine and gave me a terrible how dare you waste look because my husband left the car runnng fo a minute while he ran in to get something during the middle of a snow storm while my daughter was passed out in the back and his pregnant wife waited for him in the cold. Or how about the buy and install your own kitchen for the apartment you rent thing? Yah. I can deal with that too. Or how about the whole birthing experience of having some bitch of a midwife yelling at me in German to deal with the pain of birth and just Drucken (push). Fine. Point taken...I wanted to smack her when she told me it is supposed to hurt (yah I know that Ihad one already) but maybe I needed someone to be harsh to get me through it? And folks the taxes are so high and so wide that we had NO IDEA they take taxes from stock Matt was awarded for being a good employee 5 years ago. We had no idea that they could take money from that. No one told us. That was our money down on a house and savings for our kids. So yah we have a hard time. NO doubt. Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. And boy we tried to plan. We asked these questions and no one could answer them. No one can tell us even to this day what all the deductions are on our paychecks...no one knows what all that "mumbo jumbo" is, it is just what Germany takes in taxes you silly American. Why do you need to know? Hah! Because it is our money and we would like to know where it goes. I don't believe in black wholes in the sky, especially when we both had to bust our asses to put ourselves through college and are still paying back loans. That's why.

 

We are ready to move out of here but we aren't going to just yet. We are here for a year or less but most likely we are here for another year. I have stopped freaking out about what I don't know or can't change about being here. I have released myself from the stress of not knowing and have both fortunately and unfortunately released myself of the responsibility of being an expert in German. Learning a language takes years and I am just doing the best I can. I haven't put my best effort forth and as a mother of a baby and a toddler I have got to say I am not going to be trying all that hard to learn tons more. I just don't have the time or energy. I am tire.d I am tired. Tired of being misunderstood and tired of not understanding. I want to make jokes in my own language and have someone not only understand the words but understand that it is funny (or at least I hope SOME of the time I am in fact funny). Yes folks I miss the English-speaking world and no longer how long I am here or how much German I learn, THAT is NOT going to change.

 

The icing on the cake that broke me the other day and made realize that I miss home and my family and friends for gods' sake I miss human, real human contact with real conversations, was when that damn lady yelled at us for sitting down to eat the icecream we just bought from her. I am DONE. Done. Sure I have met some nice people here that I am "friendly" with but you know what it has been DAMN hard. I am DONE. ANd so now I just have stopped caring if I am wrong when I try out German. I have even stopped speaking in German unless I absolutely have to or I know the person will be okay with me not sounding okay. I am just going to try and enjoy this place for what it is: a cute little town with cobblestones and cafes and flowers and fountains with kickass bread and awesome meat (and I am not a huge meat eater but must admit that here the salami is soooooooooooooooooo good).  I plan to pretend to be a tourist for the remainder of my time here. So yah that is it folks. Wish me luck.

 

 

Okay sorry for the imflammatory beginning here but I guess I am just a wee bit overtired and well fed up with some of the cultural things here. Matt and I just had a lovely rude experience which has left us both feeling a little perplexed. There is an Eis Cafe (an icecream shop) literally down the street from us across from a small playground. Matt was one of their first customers when they opened a year ago and has been there many times since. We took Olivia there tonight as a special treat and ordered a small strawberry  in a cup for her, a cone for Matt, and a coffee to go. I had the baby in a baby carrier and he thankfully had fallen asleep. So we figured that since sometimes Olivia can get freaky after dinner it was best to order all of it to go in case we needed to get out of there. They have tables outside. We paid for our things and then sat down at the tables outside for a minute. The owner came out and yelled at us in German that the tables are for customers who don't order things to go and that we couldn't sit there.

 

What?! Hello, we just bought icecream from you and now we cannot sit in your establishment? What? It is a rule thing I am sure. I am sure that this woman made some sort of rule that "to-go" items have to be taken away promptly and the tables can only be for ordering the icecream and eating it there. Sure. Okay. Maybe they want to be really good to the environment. Maybe they don't want small children messing up there tables. Maybe if it gets busy (there were 7 open tables), then I can understand that you want the tables for people who want to linger and buy more stuff. Okay. If you really want to chance that very pretty glass you put your icecream in with a toddler then be my guest. In fact I can even deal with your silly rule. I am used to rules--this is Germany afterall. But why the hell was she so rude? That I can't deal with. The most frustrating thing is this is not the first time we have been treated this way by a business establishment that we have frequented before. And I assure you Matt and I always try our best in German when we go to businesses and we always stay polite. So I really don't think it is US being rude. The thing is customers are NOT treated with respect at all sometimes and it really makes me scratch my head. The customer is not always right and some places really don't care if you never come back. There are several shoe stores, a few pizza shops, a few restaurants and other places that I have boycotted because of how rude they were to me. ONe time a man shoed me away from the outside of his pizza shop because I was standing outside with Olivia singing to her while we were waiting for Matt to pick up the pizza we just ordered. Yes he actually shook his fist at me and shoed me away. He cringed when he realized his mistake once he saw that my husband was inside getting pizza from his place.  I have never gone back and I scowl at him often. He tried to have me come in and smiled really big and told Matt that he didn't mean me but he did. He was looking right at me. IN fact I even pointed at myself when he did it a second time and he shook his head yes and then shoed me again. Dah! It was not like I looked like a dishelved mess either...I had on a nice pair of pants and my red business-style raincoat and who shoes a mother away when she is playing with her child outside anyway? And so the icecream place is yet again another place that I will boycott.

 

But really I just have to know why? Is it because we don't speak perfect German? We did order in German and we did say thank you. I did smile at the other owner (he was nice...not sure if he knows his Frau is a B!). Is it because sometimes people think my husband is Turkish and I hate to say this but the poor Turkish people get treated pretty poorly here. Or is it because we are Americans? I guess we will never know. Really stupid on their part because we live UP THE STREET and we have TWO YOUNG KIDS. Dah!@ Karma baby. Karma!

Well, last year around now I started going to the Spielplatz (the playground) by our house. There are two of them actually. One is smaller and is on the way home from the Kita that Olivia goes to so that tends to be the one I stop at. Anyways...last year my German was dreadful. It isn't that much better now but I am understanding more. The thing is I had zero luck at the bigger playground meeting people but for some reason this smaller one has been better. Today a woman actually talked to me first. I guess Matt met her several months ago there and she remembered Olivia. She was very nice and we mucked our way through a conversation in broken German and English. So that makes me feel better. I also briefly spoke with a woman in French. 

 

The funny thing is both the German woman and the French woman corrected my French and German respectively. It still rubs me the wrong way but I realize now that they don't mean anything by it. They are just trying to be helpful. I guess it is hard for me because well I am trying so hard and I already know that neither my French or German is all that great. The French woman said to me in French "You speak English." I said yes I do back in French and then she said "I can tell because you have an English accent." Well yes I do. I would love to get rid of it and sound native but well, heck at least I can talk to you in your native tongue, right? And the German woman did what I have found most people do here in Germany, she let me finish my sentence and then repeated it to me the way it should be said. I know to expect that now and I am actually finding it helpful because I can pick up on the little things I am saying wrong. I have to force myself sometimes to see it as helpful and not rude and sometimes there are days though that I don't want to be corrected. There are days when I feel so overwhelmed and tired from just well being pregnant and being in a foreign land that I just want to be understood and left alone to muddle my way through. It makes me feel a little like a child when I am corrected all the time but I guess I can look at this way, how else am I going to learn?  But hey at least I am trying...and it is hard to put yourself out there and try to communicate in a foreign language and in a foreign land. I have to take a risk and suck it up and accpet that I am going to sound a little foolish but if someone is willing to work through a conversation with me, then great because it makes my days a little less mundane. I guess I just have to learn to be less sensitive.

Ah language. I can only speak in present tense in German. That is pretty humbling. And most of the time it sounds really rough and stupid. How about when we went to the hardware store and tried to get those cedar hanger rings that you put on hangers in your closet so the months won't eat the clothes. Yah that was fun. No one spoke English at the hardware store so I drew a picture of a tree, a circle, and a moth and pulled on my shirt and said nicht essen (do not eat). The kid helping us turned red and had to hold a hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing but you know, it worked. Shirt do not eat moth. That is pretty much what my German and pantomiming sounded like. Good one Gale. Good one! I give the kid credit because I would have been busting a gut.

 

Or why did one chair I stained take a whole bottle of stain and turn out like 5 times darker then it was supposed to? Hmmm the guy helping us was Polish speaking broken English and German reading some German. Yah baby. But he wanted to help. That is the most important. Me speak German a little. You speak English. Hmmm grunt. Good. Thank you. You understand? No me no understand either. Yah baby. Yah! THAT is our reality. THAT is what it sounds like. I try not to think about it and just proceed stumbling foolishly through a sentence butchered badly with some German words thrown in there for good measure hoping desperately that the person will hear something like German and understand me enough to help. Sometimes I can see the person is too overwhelmed and confused to help. I get upset when this happens but really I can understand...it doesn't make sense. My German doesn't make sense. So I have been practicing phrases that are correctly put together. I don't understand what each part of the sentence means or why but I know it is correct and so I try and use those as much as possible.

 

Humbling to say the least. Think about that. Say things only in present tense in English and then see how pretty it sounds. Yah it is pretty rough! Ah we have come so far as humans but still can't communicate all that well. I think that is how wars start. Someone says the wrong word and it gets translated wrong and then bam now I have my gun in your face. THere is no mistaking that message is there? Scary!

 

Personal favorite is Aloha. It means hello, I love you, and good-bye in Hawaiin. That is fantastic. If only we had that in English and in all languages. Not a whole lot of wars would happen if that was the universal way to say things. Anyways just thinking about langauges and how hard it is. This was not the easiest path to choose but well I am here and me learn German not good. For a funny take on it all, check out the author of Me Talk Pretty One Day on NPR (National Public Radio): http://www.audible.com/adbl/entry/offers/t2.jsp?BV_UseBVCookie=Yes&productID=RT_TALF_060826 (I think you can sign up for free subscription for one month to hear it)

He is a guy living in Paris who doesn't know much French and he talks about the obstacles that causes. How sometimes you find yourself going to the hardware store and buying things you don't need because the person in there was nice enough to help you and say hello to you. It is pretty funny. I have got to read that book. I understand. I truly understand!

 

So I think Germany has the States beet when it comes to healthcare. Sorry folks but they are organized and everyone, EVERYONE, has healthcare. THAT is fantastic. We are looking into what it is going to mean to have a baby here in Germany. I needed an English-speaking doctor and well that proved to be quite challenging. I called 5 offices and none of the people spoke English. What I think was really going on was the receptionists didn't speak English but the doctors probably did. But I couldn't seem to get past the first can you help me part of the conversation. I was a little shocked and felt a little helpless. I actually felt like crying after the third phone call when the receptionist said in very clear English I don't understand you. Great! Thanks. Well I don't understand you either. I felt really hopeless and just kept saying to myself get over it. You are so lucky that there is even a chance they speak your language. What if I was Russian or Korean or anything else that is not commonly spoken here or around the world? What about that? I feel for those people big time. It is my fault. I am in Germany so I should know more German but well I guess I was holding on to the hope that someone could help me.

 

The good news is I found a doctor through the US Embassy website. Thank god. America is pretty organized and business-minded when it comes to things that matter. Thank you USA! I know how strange this might sound to those who know me but I find myself becoming even more proud to be an American every day. There is a lot about our country that is screwed up (mostly the current administration if you ask me) but there is also A LOT that we have to offer the world. America is a place of hope. It is hard work to move from rags to riches but you can do it. We have community colleges and you can go back to school whenever you want. It is hard to overcome the cost of things, all the red tape, and there is often a lot difficulty in how to find the resources for help but you can do it. In Germany and in a lot of Europe for that matter, you take a test when you are in fifth grade to determine if you are college bound. If you fail that is it. No second chance. No communtiy college. Nada. Wow, if I took a class in fifth grade I would not have made it. My parents were still in the midst of separating and as is common, I didn't do so great in school that year. What about that? Huh? Or the fact that my mom worked her way through community college, a Bachelor's degree, and Master's while raising three kids? What about that? And when it comes to protecting its people, we have a lot of things that oversee drugs, food, and diseases to make sure we all stay nice and safe. Germany does too but well children do not have to be vacinated to go to school here. THAT is a bit scary! German measles is back. How scary is that! Not in our area, but it is starting to pop up here and there.

 

Oh so anyways my doc is pretty cool. She spent two years in the States and gave me the rundown on what giving birth in Germany is like. The doctor does not deliver the baby. A midwife delivers the baby and a doctor that works at the hospital full-time (so not your primary-care doc) is on standby in case something goes wrong. Wow that is different. And they push for the most natural birth as possible, holding out for a long time before giving an epidural (pain killing drug for laboring moms). That one I have mixed feelings about. If you need to pain killers, then you should be able to get them asap. Of course the flipside is that in the US many times they push the pain killers too early, which causes a lot more c-sections to happen. So yeah got to be honest, giving birth in a foreign place, well in a foreign language, is a bit scary. So we shall see. We shall see but Germany is very very organized. They give you this mommy pass that has all of your medical info in it that you carry around on you at all times so that if you have an emergency, you can hand it over and they are up to speed on where you are at. Fantastic idea!

 

Anyways...I have a doctor. She speaks perfect English. I understand how things are going to work. I think having a second child here is more than possible and will be just fine. Now I wonder if I can deal with yoga in a foreign language? I still haven't looked into that yet but well with my temper and tendency for high blood pressure, well, let's face it: I need to do the yoga.

Hmm...so it does keep hitting me. I hate to write about this again but it is an ongoing thing. Culture shock baby. I am so confused about childcare and kindergartens.

 

I have visited a bunch of kindergartens and kid play groups around our neighborhood. In Germany kindergarten starts at age three and you have to find a spot for your child way before then. In other words, I have to put Olivia's name on a list and hope the kindergarten will have a spot open for us. Okay. What is NOT clear to me is how they determine who gets the spot. There is what I have been told and then there is what I have NOT been told. I have gone to two kindergartens and three playgroups and no one will let me put Olivia's name on the list. Now that would be fine with me if that was the process. I keep being told come back when she is two, come back when she is two and a half, call us in a few months, stop back later, etc. Yadda-yadda yadda.

 

My German friends tell me they put their kids on lists when they were born or when they were a year old. In other words, I may not find a place for Olivia unless I can convince them that we deserve it? Is that what is going on here? I just want to know. If I know then I can deal with it and come up with a plan. Yet when I ask my German friends they assure me that I am not being slighted and seem rather insulted that I would think so. They insist that I be persistent and yet if I am too overbearing then I think I surely will NOT get a spot anywhere.

 

A pickle. I am in a pickle here. You see if I let my older friend Heidi call these people and talk to them it sends the wrong message I think. And yet I can't seem to get answers on my own. My German is not good enough and I am afraid that there are things being left out of the English explanation. So here I am totally confused and slightly frustrated. I just want what is best for my daughter like anyone else. I just want my daughter to go to a German school, learn German, and play with other kids. I see why some people just throw up their hands and enroll their kids in English schools. But we didn't move half way around the world only to turn around and go back without ever learning German, experiencing Germany, and basically enjoying living with both the similarities and difference between our cultures. Grrrr!

Olivia has a few favorite books. One of them is When the Moon is High. She calls it Mooma High Dry book and tonight, like every night for the best several weeks, she asked me to read it to her. I read it to her today before her naptime, yesterday before bed, and the other day before both nap and bedtime...well, you catch my drift. I can't read Mooma High Dry again. My eyes are going to crack and fall out of my head if I HAVE to read it one more time. Mor Mama mor Mooma High Dry. So thank god for Matt. He took over and is currently almost asleep himself with little Olivia all curled up next to him on her big girl bed.

 

In other news... Olivia is trying really hard to figure out what friend means. I show her the sign for friend whenever she meets new kinder (children) and now she is doing it back and saying bind mama bind (friend). She often asks me what bind is and says Iya wants more bind (Olivia wants more friends).  I tell her that sharing, listening, and helping is how you make friends. It breaks my heart a little when she says Iya bin and then she shrugs her shoulders as if to say do I have friends mama? Yes Olivia we will make friends. It takes time but it is starting to slowly happen.

 

We met a nice woman and her son at the park today. Olivia and the little boy are the same age so they had a lot of fun pouring sand into each other's cups and running. The mom doesn't speak any English but was very willing to try and help me understand Deutsch. We were able to have a bit of an actual conversation. Hey it might be nothing but you know it made me feel better to at least know I am starting to feel a little more comfortable here. I have seen this person at the park a few times and she usually smiles but doesn't chat much. Now we can try and talk a bit more. I am trying my hand at learning German again. Ich lerne Deutsch. I have to keep saying that: I AM learning German. Yes, it takes tiime but well, when you're forced to learn you do. And I bet Olivia knows even more than me! Ah to be a child again...sponge brains.

I was smitten with a pair of very nice light blue leather shoes. Hmm...I am not a big shopper but I do listen to my instinct when it comes to shoes. If they speak to me from outside the window and the price looks good, well I have to at least try them on. Right?

 

So here is the deal. What do a pair of shoes and where I come from have in common? Yeah. Well, I guess if I want an easier shopping experience, maybe I had better say I come from somewhere else then the good old U.S. of A.

 

First I said my Guten Tag. Then I asked in German if the shoe came in brown...(it was not very good German but it worked). The shoe Frau looked at me and said yah. Then shoe Frau proceeded to ask me  three times where I came from. The first time I sidestepped it by saying in German I am learning German and this is my first time buying shoes.  (I had to say the last part in English...believe me I am NOT that good in German). To which she replied in very good English, okay what size are you? You speak English right? (Hmm I thought okay...maybe she thinks I am from Nederland?).

 

Second time Frau asks me after she brings over a few more potential shoes. So Woher Kommen Sie (Where do you come from?). I say United States. She leaves. Not sure why or where to but okay. Third time she asks, Where? Seattle I say hoping this will be the end of where I come from conversation but it is not. Next she asks me why I am here? (Okay maybe it is just curiousity?). Are you working she asks me in English? (Hmm...okay...usually people don't ask this. Not sure how to respond. The shoes aren't cheap but that aren't Malanos. Maybe she is just being friendly or does she wonder if I can afford the shoes? Hmm)

 

But you know the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. Maybe she was just being friuendlich (friendly). Maybe not. Seemed nice enough but I guess I just wanted to buy a pair of shoes. I just wanted to buy a pair of shoes. I don't want to have to wear my politics on my sleeve. I don't want to have to explain why I am here all the time to everyone. Frau wanted to know why we moved here. Hmm...to try something new. To see and experience another culture. I guess either I am just being oversensitive here. It can happen. I do that to myself sometimes but you know I just wanted to buy some shoes. And well I am just doing the best I can. BOOM another culture shock shot to the gut. It hit me tonight. I would never ask someone off the bat where they come from. Just wouldn't. Yah Wir lernen Deutsch. Okay?

Well we went away last week to Nice, France. It was very sunny, very blue skies, and idealic. It was also somewhat fake. It felt a little funny to me. I knew it was only a temporary fix of happy sun and carefree fun.

I spent most of the time trying to remember the French I should know after seven years of studying it. It gave me a strange sense of yeah-hah I CAN speak another language but then I realized that even in French I only really know how to ask for the basics. I can say hello, goodbye, thank you, where are the toliets, order food, etc. I can get by. I felt a bit more confident in myself. For the first time in a while, I didn't feel like an idiot who couldn't read, write or talk.

 

But now that we are back I feel a bit...a bit like a stranger in a strange land again. It is hitting me again. I LIVE here in Germany. Germany is my home. My home?

 

My heart scruches up a bit and my stomach gets all wierded out. We have only been here for four months...well almost five. But when will it feel like home? How long does it take? Why is it so strange to go away on a mini-vacation and then realize that I have to switch my brain back into another language in order to do my daily things? Sometimes I really wish I didn't have to switch to another language after a long trip home.

 

I have to try a little harder. I have to make it my home. I have to work at it. We have an asian-stye TV schrank (armoire)  in our living room and a hallway full of shoes and coats with no place to put them. I have a big red couch that my husband convinced me to get from IKEA. Red?!

 

The red couch somewhat offended me the first time we put it together. Yes, we had to put the couch together screws and bolts and fabric and all. IKEA is cheap and it also requires more work then I would frankly like to put into it but it is well, cheap. It took us 3 hours and then when it was all together, Aaron (Matt's brother) and I sat down and scratched our heads. One of the bolts was stripped. It supports part of the couch. Should we call and have them take it back? Then I went to put the cushion cover on the seat and it ripped. I thought are you kidding? The couch was not that cheap in terms of the price. The thought of calling the Netherlands (where IKEA is) and having to explain in broken German and English to someone who speaks Nederland (Dutch) made my stomach curl. I can fix it. We can make it work. Sometimes you have to put a little more effort into things to make them work. I guess that is a lesson to me.  

 

The red couch is out of my comfort zone but it is staying. It is a reminder to me that I have to live outside my comfort zone. I live in Germany and this is my home. That is out of my comfort zone but perhaps day by day the red couch will feel like it belongs and so will I. (At least I hope so!)

 

 

American music is played everywhere in Germany. It is usually a few decades behind or seriously lacking taste in my opinion. I am no love songs after dark fan. Sorry. Okay there are a few times when Matt and I almost busted a gut because the music didn't quite fit the mood.

 

How about the Flashdance soundtrack while you are furniture shopping? We were in a very overpriced, seemingly upmarket furniture store (out of our league). And what did we hear? That's right. Step right up and just lose yourself to the beat "First when there's nothing. All alone you have cried. Dah dah dah dah. (sorry I don't know the words). Blah blah blah blah. and then Boom! WHAT A FEELING! YOU CAN REALLY MAKE IT HAPPEN. NOW YOU'RE DANCING FOR YOUR LIFE! Yah. That does wonders to my brain when I am trying to decide between the god awful brown leathered and fabric duo couch and the purple majesty couch (Alice and Wonderland await). Yep. Good one. I think I almost broke down and breakdanced right there (I love to watch breakdancing but never partake). Bring it on baby. Bring it on!

Every once in a while...okay more like every couple of days--I sit here in my apartment and wonder what the hell I am doing in Germany. I know that sounds harsh but it is true. THere is no way in a million years I would have guessed I would be living in a small town in Germany. What?! Then  I have to calm myself down.

 

That is the truth. I freak out a few times a day, mainly when I have to pay for some eggs and bread and the checkout person says something totally benine but I have absolutely no idea what the hell they are saying. I have to sit there and either put a dumb-ass grin on my face or look stone-cold somber. I am never sure which one I should choose.

 

THAT is culture shock.

 

I am so very tired of everyone telling me that all Germans speak English. Yes, people know English but I live in Germany. Guess what? They speak German. Go figure. And I would be a damn fool to think I can get by with some lousy restaurant ordering German for 3 years. So I have to have to have to learn German. And it doesn't happen through osmosis. Damn. Wish it would! It actually takes brain cycles and time, which is damn frustrating. DAMN frustrating.

 

THAT is culture shock.

 

Raw truth. There are days when I wish I could go to the store at (*I don't know: 3 am) and just walk around with so many choices that it will take me two hours just to walk the aisles. Not here my friends. Here every store is closed at 8:00 pm and most close at 5:00, some at 4:00. So yah. That too takes a lot of adjusting. It doesn't make me feel totally over the edge but every once in a while I would like to go into a store and be able to read every single word on the packages except for the chemical terms, which I could never make out even in the states.

 

THAT is culture shock.

 

I don't want people to think it is all bad. I didn't move half way around the world to feel like an idiot but it is no picnic. There is nothing wrong with Germany. It is beautiful in some places and coarse in others. It reminds me of New England. The people are real. They aren't going to blow sunshine up your ass and they will tell you if you are doing something wrong. Let's face it. That is very true in any city on the Eastcoast of America. Thank god I grew up there or I wouldn't be prepared.

 

So yah. So...I have got to get out of this house and more importantly, I have got to get out away from my daughter and my so called life and find some other piece of my being. I will. I am going to try yoga again. I am sure it is obvious from my blogs that I need it. So wish me luck. I will do der Baum (tree-pose) and other assorted stretches and I am not afraid of doing it wrong. I spent most of my childhood trying to follow the directions and then discovering that I was going the opposite direction. I am used to be uncoordinated, so really, I have nothing to fear. Viel Gluck! And here is to the baum.

I am a proud person. I don't like to ask for help. I am happy to give it but damned if I need it. This has always been my downfall. Now that I live in Germany where I have wooed many times about not knowing the language, I realize that it is about time I get over it, humble myself, and ask for help.

 

Help is a funny thing. It makes you feel like a lesser person. But the truth is we can't all be gods and goddesses. We aren't all-knowing and if you can make it through every day without ever feeling uncomfortable, then maybe you aren't challenging yourself enough. This is something I remember reading once and I hold it to be true.

 

It is a challenge to be here. It is a challenge to try and speak and the only sentences I can form are three-word sentences that are mostly nouns and verbs. I speak German similar to how a child first starts speaking. Yes, I cringe a little when I think about it. It is embarrassing. I don't know the past tense in German. I don't know the future tense. What I know are a few verbs in the present tense so I am forced to think in the now.

 

Today, and every week if I can, I challenged myself to get out the door and walk to the kinder german-speaking group.  I talked to everyone and anyone there who was willing to hear me speak in broken German. I asked the other moms what they do when it rains and if they know where I can take some classes among other things.  It is hard to do. It makes me feel like an idiot but more importantly it forces me to ask for help. If I don't know the German word then I have to ask for help. I don't know about kindergeld or kindergarten or any of the things I will need to do to keep Olivia, my 18-month-old daughter, in-tune with the German education system.  I need to know these things because Olivia needs me to know these things.

 

I have spent too many days idle in my house wondering what I am going to do. What I have realized is I have to live for now. I can't wait. There will be no welcoming committee. So whether I like it or not, being humble, trying my best, and asking for help when I need it is the only way we are going to survive here and baby I am a survivor!

Olivia and I were welcomed with friendly smiles at a crawbing groupe "crawling (or toddler play group)" today. See that is the danger of stereotyping an entire culture with a few bad experiences. It is easy to just give up and think that's it...I am the outsider and so I shall remain. The reality is that all the moms and kids were very welcoming. And I did my best to speak in German whenever I could even if it was bad. I would just say whatever I could and ask for the word in German if I didn't know it. After about an hour other people started to speak a little in English to me. So it all works out.

 

The very fact that they have these crawbing groupen is a pretty cool thing. It basically is  a play group for babies and toddlers under the age of three where moms get together with a trained kid specialist and sing songs and play. Good stuff. Olivia really digged sticking "noodlen" (noodles) to her paper with the glue and paper they provided. So sehr gut! Wir lernent Deutsch and it will all work out. We just have to keep trying. It is hard but it would be foolish to hole myself up in my haus for the rest of the time we are in Germany. So open up your mind, don't try so hard, and absorb what you can. That has been the secret to meeting other people here. After alll, I am in Germany therefor I should speak German. I can't for the life of me figure out why so many Germans apologize so much for not knowing more English...I should be the one apologizing. And the thing is most people do speak English and they speak it almost flawlessly. Heck, they even speak better than I do sometimes but in general, people are more likely to welcome you if you try and say things in Deutsch first. So all ist gut! --good :)

 

(Boy though, I am tired. My brain hurts from hearing German for 2 plus hours and so does Olivia's or so I suspect. Olivia passed out promptly after eating lunch when we got home and I feel like I need to do the same. Tsuss!)

Okay, so I don't know if my paranoia is something only I and a few other people suffer from or if it is part of being American but my first instinct is to trust no one and be suspicious of everything. (Thank you Bush Administration and media for that...good job educating us all on how to live in fear!)

 

We have been receiving several phone messages from an automatic German recording service. I have tried to answer the phone before the answer machine kicks in but there is a user manual 2 inches thick that I wouldn't even dare try to figure out has prevented me from figuring out how to change the settings. Anyways,  for weeks the phone has been ringing and sometimes they leave a message and sometimes they don't. When we were in Seattle I rarely answered the phone if the number was one I didn't recognize. I admit it and I know I am not the only one out there who does that. Here I am even more paranoid about what "they" whoever "they" are want. I freak out every time I hear the message. The Stadt has decided I have to leave the country or maybe George "Wonderful" Bush knows what I have been saying about him and has deemed me a terrorist threat and I am going home to a not so friendly homecoming. So finally I tell Matt. Matt is much more practical then I am. I figure fine keep calling I am never going to answer. Then maybe "they" will give up and leave me alone. Of course I listened to the messages a few times and determined the nice German female voice didn't sound all that threatening. So after briefly (very briefly because I don't want anyone to think I am that much of a freak) thinking it is something terrible, I decide we should do something about it. 

 

Anyways Matt being the proactive type listens to the messages a few times...can only make out the phone number, calls them back, says in Deutsch please speak English, and then someone calls back to tell us in English... (Drum roll folks. My entire existence has been hanging on this moment)...that we haven't taken advantage of the voicemail box that our phone service provides and they were just giving us a courtesy call to help us set it up should we like to do so. Yes, all that worrying for that. Oh that is good. That is grand. And of course after Matt tells me this I say, why would they call us for that? It must cost more money. It must be some money-making scheme.  So due to my suspicious traits we still don't have the mailbox set up but we had the option still to keep it available to us should we ever change our minds. (Yah, I know...I have got to stop thinking the worst. I am trying, okay?) So it is things like this...just a simple courtesy call that make me realize how hard it is to just get by in an average day in a place where you don't speak the language. It can cause uneccessary harm to your brain. Yep, it is exhausting. When we first moved here we passed out at 7:30 every night but now we can at least make it to 10:00.  Yes, I have got to learn some more German!

Okay. Poor Matt. Another blooper. Another scolding from the nun who lives next door to us but still has yet to say hello. Oh yes, I have tried and did my fair share of saying guten tag and smiling. She just shuns me every time.  How should we know that the trash and recycling containers for plastic and cardboard can't actually be used for cardboard and plastic if it is packaging from the massive tv schrank that we bought from a questionable place outside of Berlin? How are we supposed to know that the other containers are for the girls' school that is behind our building and not for residents when there is nothing marking them as such? How people are we supposed to know these things and why is our trash everyone else's business?

 

At the end of the day the trash has to go somewhere. And it is just trash. Yes people it is just trash. We have to put it somewhere. And the thing is we have been trying to get all the rules down and follow them. There is no posting of the rules. It seems as if everyone here was born with a rule book attached to them at birth and auslanders are just out of luck because our rule book is filed away somewhere waiting for us to call up the appropriate help line to order it. There are no labels on the containers. And yet we have done our best to watch what other people are doing with their trash and we ask anyone and everyone who speaks english what we are supposed to do. We have been separating our trash into bio waste (food waste), cardboard, plastic, returnables, and glass. Oh and there is one more...there is also the trash (everything else that is left over when you've already gone through sorting it into the other categories). Yikes! (Big huge sigh here. It is a lot to process!)

 

Yes, I really do commend the Germans for the fantastic effort they have put forth recycling and trying not to waste and what not, but we are just learning folks. We need a little help. And isn't it great  that our neighbors care so very much that they were willing to stick their noses out their windows at 9 am on a Saturday to tell us what we are doing wrong. Yeah, help is great but could you just try and give it with a smile? Could you just try and give us the benefit of the doubt that we are not delinquents trying to screw up the system and knowingly break the rules? We just don't know the rules. We ordered the German foreigner rule book and it wasn't in there. Nope. We haven't got a clue. (THere must be some other book we were supposed to order....somewhere lost in the system...)

 

So poor Matt went through the effort of cutting up the 3 huge boxes into small pieces, taking all the styrafoam out and breaking that up,  scrunching down all the plastic, and then he tried unsuccessfully to put it in the proper trash containers. He got yelled at by two people and then had to remove every item he had separated already separated out. Olivia and I heard the whole thing. I was a bit peeved to hear the two women yelling at poor Matt, who tried to communicate as best he could in broken German that he didn't understand. Even when he told them clearly in German that he is learning German and could they speak English bitte, they continued to yell at him. How is that for a welcoming committee?