I had this nightmare type dream the other night...actually I have had it a few times in the past month, that I forgot how to talk. I couldn't communicate in English anymore. I think last night  in my dream I was in the middle of an interview and my mind shortcircuited. This is so ridiculous of course because these days I barely mumble a Tschuss and Shon Tag and the like in German and mostly speak English. But it happens. I mean you can forget. I have a lot of moments living here when I just can't remember the word that I am searching for in English. Someone will be speaking in German and I will be trying with all my might to follow the conversation and then they will stop and say what is the word in English. And I don't know the exact word because I have been trying to just get the jist of the conversation. I don't even know all the words that the person has used in German but I am trying  so hard to just understand the idea of what they are saying that I just can't think anymore in English. Does this make sense? I don't know it in German or in French or in any other language either. It is just hanging there in my mind like some ghost of a word waiting to be caught so I can make sense of it all. It really is rather mentally exhausting. I envy those that can switch from one language to the next without these stalls. I hope some day I can be better at one of the languages I have tried to learn. Some day. But really I am looking forward to just getting back to English.

 

Imagine being able to read the whole ad on billboards and to read my mail in full, even the junk mail, and actually understand what it says. Or how about being able to read the instructions for food items and not have to read a little of each language : French, German, and Dutch (I shop at a Belgian supermarket which has these languages on its packages) and then have to piece it all together to figure out what to do. Yeah that is hard but somehow I muck my way through. Ridiculous I know but so true. I guess I am starved for long conversations in English with people who are native speakers. Heck I can't wait to speak English and not even have to think about who is a native speaker. I want to not have to think about trying to talk slow or chose my words so that someone can understand me. I can't wait. I just want to get back. It feels like an eternity. I have only been here just shy of two years but I just feel like I have been gone a very very long time. And to think we might move back to my home town...well sort of home town...Boston. I hope we do. I guess it will all work out. Either Boston or Seattle. We are going back soon. And hopefully when I get back I will be cured of this anxiety I have of not knowing the words. I can just talk. Imagine that.

 

I have faithfully been doing my yoga two to three times a week for the past few months now. I knew that it would help me work through all these changes that my body and mind have been going through: getting over having a baby, being a mother of two, being a foreigner in a foreign land. What I didn't realize is that it would help me get closer to me and I guess for lack of a better explanation, it is helping me get closer to "God." I am not a religious person. I have often admired those that are and have even tried several things out myself but to no avail. I never found the right "one." But even so I have always tried to still be spiritual. I do this through yoga, meditation, and by saying some Buddhists prayers I have learned over the years. 

 

Now here is the thing. I have heard that yoga can open your mind's eye and open the gates to spirituality but I guess I never really beleived it until today. Maybe it was because I have been so stretched mentally and emotionally lately, especially this week because Matt has been away, but whatever the reason, yoga brought me to tears today. As I was standing there in Vrikshana-the Tree pose, I started to shake and then I felt this rush of warmth come over me. My body felt heavy and I suddenly felt so sad. I felt so sad that I cried. I sat down and cried. I layed down on the floor in Corpse pose and let my body rest while I focussed my mind on the sadness.

 

It's okay. Sadness is part of life. Don't be afraid of it. Accept it. I know it can freak people out to talk about this sort of thing. So sorry if it does. The thing is I am not freaked out by it at all. I needed to go through this. You see I just realized that all this hard stuff I have been dealing with: feeling isolated, living without family around, being a new mom all over again, being a mom of a toddler, struggling to be a better friend and soulmate to my husband, working through anger, all this makes me who I am. Anger is the biggest thing I realized that I have been working through. I have to work through anger so I can pass through to sadness into acceptance. And then once I do this, I can hopefully become a stronger person, a more compassionate soul.

 

I was sad before we moved here. I was sad when I moved to Seattle. I was sad when Matt's sister died. I was angry at,  well, among many things, my dad (he pretty much walked out of my life when I was twelve). I was even angry at the universe for a while there. But most of all I was angry at myself for not dealing with things in the past in the best way. And now I am accepting every single bit of it. I am accepting that this is life. You cannot grow strong roots just as a storm is starting to form. No, you must already have the foundation for strong roots so you can survive life's storms. (these are not my words but from a Buddhist prayer I learned years ago and somewhere in these thoughts I am reminded of ELizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love because she too seemed to go through this and maybe it has somehow influenced me?). This can only be done through discipline, through practice, through acceptance, and by working through all that is hard. I know this. Yes, I do.  

 

So in my moment of weakness, somehow I felt this surge of strength. I will get through all of this. One way or another I will make it back home...to my family and to my friends. I am going home. God has heard me or the universe or whatever you want to call it, has heard me. I am going home. I know I am. I just know it. Namaste (thank you).

Poor little Olivia. I feel for her. Her little heart is breaking. All her little friends are going to Kindergarten and she has had to say goodbye to each of her friends that she plays with at the Kita. Every couple of weeks a "bigger" kid (three years old or almost three) that she plays with leaves and a smaller kid (one year old) arrives.  Today I almost cried when we had to say goodbye to her friend Fina.

 

Olivia and Fina would sometimes hold hands and sing or exchange kisses. Sometimes I would watch them playing in the little play kitchen from outside the window of the building...it was so cute to watch them play. Fina would always come up and talk to me in both German and in what I think was her version of English. Her mom teaches English. See that is the thing. I like her mom. Her mom was one of the only parents there that made a real effort to say hello and chit-chat with me.  We never really had long conversations or anything substantial but for me it was nice. See I wish I had tried to take it to the next level and make more of an effort to get to know Fina's mom and Fina. Maybe we could have tried playdates or something. It's hard though. I mean it is hard to know if you can propose that sort of thing. I think it would be hard to do anywhere in America too. It is even harder for me here because body language and facial expressions are different here and hard for me to read sometimes. SO I guess at the end of the day I didn't put myself out there and maybe I should have. I guess I am feeling a little guilty that I am not the best mom.

 

Oh I do feel for my little Olivia. I know she is sad. She told me so on our walk home from the Kita today. She told me that she doesn't want her friends to go to Kindergarten. She said now I won't see them. Where they go? Where did Ben go. And Max and Julian, where did he go mommy? These little kids were the ones she played with the most. Ben was the first of her friends to leave and he left a few months ago. Then her little friend Max who's mother just stared at me with a hard look left. She played a lot with Max and I thought about trying to propose a playdate but every time I tried to even make some sort of contact with his mom all I got was a cold hard stare. WHo knows maybe it wasn't anything...but I never felt like I could talk to her so I just sort of gave up. THen there was Julian who's mom was also very nice but I never tried to talk to her all that much because she didn't seem to speak all that much English and seemed a bit uncomfortable with me whenever I tried to talkt to her even in German because well as I've mentioned, my Deutsch ist nicht zehr gut!

 

So yes, goodbyes are hard. THey are hard for me too. I literally had to stop myself from crying when OLivia told me that she doesn't want her friends to go. When we got home I let her have a little snack, a little French cookie that supposedly has all sorts of healthy grains and chocolate chips, which is what Olivia of course likes. I let her have two of them. ONe of them broke and Olivia had a complete meltdown because her cookie broke. I knew it was more than that...her cookie was not the reason she was upset...she was sad. I told her it was okay to cry. That when you are sad it is good to cry and I held her. She cried really hard and then I told her that I loved her, Daddy loved her, Taylor loved her, and that every family member I could think of also loved her. I also held her at naptime until she fell asleep.

 

I made sure Olviia and I said Tschuss (goodbye) and Viel Gluck (good luck) to both Fina and her mom. I felt it was important to say our goodbyes. Life is hard and I think goodbyes are hard for everyone but I guess that is part of life. I know I am not a bad mommy. I know this is part of life. I guess like most parents I just wish sometimes I could shelter Olivia from some of the hard things. But you can't. You have to go through hard times to be a stronger person. That is what makes us who we are.

So I think it is official: Taylor has figured out how to kick his musical mobile on. He scoots himself over to the side of the crib where it is located by rolling himself around and kicking and then kicks the on/off button to the music. I thought he did it yesterday but wasn't sure because I put him in there two times; both times he was in there the mobile came on even though I didn't turn it on. When I went in to check on him, he was over to that side of the crib watching it go around and around. So today I put him in and turned it on and then off right away, and then I left the room to see if he would turn it on. He kicked it and it came on. He still had his foot on it when I came in to see. It is amazing to me how babies learn...it was probably a random thing the first few times and then he probably discovered that he could do it by kicking. They are such little scientists.

 

Speaking of scientists: ah toddlers, little creatures that perform "tests" all day long on their parents to gadge their reactions. Olivia is really big into this right now. The thing that I have to remember is that just because she talks so much doesn't mean she always understands what she is saying or what I am saying. Sometimes she gets a little mixed up and isn't sure what I mean. I realized this last night when I told her that putting shoes in a pile right in the main walking area of the living room floor is a tripping hazard and that we could trip on them and get hurt. Then I asked her to please put her shoes away so that we don't trip on them. A little while later she came into the kitchen and said Mommy look: I moved the shoes so that you won't trip. The shoes were spread out into the corners of the living room out of the main walking area. I laughed a little and said thank you. You are right you moved them out of the way so we won't trip. I left it at that because she clearly didn't understand that they don't go all over the floor but she did understand that if she moved them around the room into the corners we probably wouldn't trip on them. Later on I had her help me put them away.

 

Then there is the English-German word mashes going on and just word mixups in general. Yesterday Olivia said Daddy is on the Flughaven and he will come by Zug. (Daddy is on the Airport and he will come by Train.). It is so interesting because she is doing what Matt and I do and using a mix of German and English in her sentences...which in theory is not so good when learning a new language. But we want to try to speak some German with her so she can see us making the effort. Of course she gets mixed up with meanings a little but to her credit she is managing two languages. The words she chose weren't the correct ones to use but they were pronounced correctly in German and were close to what the words would be in German.

 

In other news, as many parents due, sometimes I suffer from guilt. I know that these changes Olivia is going through are part of life but it makes me feel bad that we are going to have even more big changes, like moving and having to say goodbye to Germany and the Kita. The Kita is a huge part of her world and provides a lot of routine, support and continuity. Right now she is already sad that a lot of her friends at the Kita are leaving and going to Kingergarten. For a long time we told her when she is bigger she will go to Kingergarten, which is true but what we meant and what Olivia thinks is that she will go when she is three years old because that is what kids do here in Germany. The reality is we are not going to put her in Kindergarten here unless we are staying for 6 months or more. Part of me wishes so badly that we could put her in Kingergarten right now but there isn't an open spot, we have to give the Kita two months notice, and we may be moving as early as November. The last one is the main reason we are keeping her in the Kita because there is no point in turning her world upside down by putting her in Kingergarten for a few months only to take her out and move her out of the country. Oh I hate that she is so sad about all her friends at the Kita going to Kingergarten. She plays bye-bye friends on a bus with her dolls and pretends that they are all going away to Kindergarten. Right now there are only little kids left (mostly one-year-olds and a few two-year-olds). Poor thing. We feel terrible that it is so confusing but I guess this is a part of life...little struggles and big changes. We are doing our best to minimize them and I guess like all parents do, we just have to suffer through a little guilt because in the end you can't shelter your child from all of life's struggles. 

 

But really I am a proud mamma. I love my kids and my husband. I miss my husband right now. He is away on business and I am just trying to survive here with the two kids. It is so hard. Single parents out there, I feel your struggle and I am only doing this for a week. I still can't believe my mom did this with three kids all by herself...raised all three of us, put herself through college, and worked. How? Boy, when it comes to parenting you just never get it until you try it yourself. It is hard work but worth it, so worth it!

 

Taylor is starting to roll all over the place. He can roll from one side and then to the other but he can't quite do it full circle yet. Yesterday I put him in his crib for a few minutes so he could play and I could take a shower and when I came out, he had kicked his mobile on. I am not sure how he did it but he seemed rather pleased with himself that he turned it on because he was babbling away and giggling when I came in to check on him. He must have done it when he scooted himself completely sideways in his crib. I can't believe how mobile he already is...I mean he is only 4 months old. 

 

The other good news is it appears that his colic is for the most part gone. He only seems fussy when he is overstimulated or if I am dumb enough to try any cow's milk products. I did that one again a few days ago and he was fussy. Not as bad as he used to be but the poor thing threw up so I know now I have got to just stop trying it and leave well enough alone. He may never outgrow his intolerance for cow's milk. OH well. I only have 6 more months of nursing or so to go. I can deal with that.

 

In other news, Olivia is starting to really enjoy being a big sister. Matt is gone on a business trip for a week and I am here solo. That certainly makes things hard but we are all managing. Olivia decided to play little mother and when Taylor was fussing on the floor in his baby gymn thing she went over and said "Now, Now Taylor. Don't worry. It's okay." She then patted him on the head, gave him a kiss, and then went and got his pacifier. She was so proud of herself that she came can got me (I was in the other room within earshot just putting a few dishes away). She said "Gack mal mommy. I clipped his pacifier and the clown on."  He has a little pacifier holder that clips onto his shirts. I was a bit shocked that she could do that and a bit afraid because she could have pinched him but I was so proud I didn't want to say anything. I just told her what a great job she is doing being a big sister and what a big help she is to her mommy. So cute.

 

Okay. I am about to scream. I wish I could. I get so frustrated by the UNSOCLITATED advice from people here. My daughter goes to a Kita for the mornings. We put her in there so she could have a social outlet with other kids, learn German, and to help me out. There have been several parents who are just not friendly. Fine. I have come to expect that. I mean our children only play together ever day...how strange of me to want to say hello, goodbye, and god forbid make conversation with the other parents? I can't take it. There are a few that will say hello and smile but there have been just as many who won't even say hello or give me the time of day. So here is yet another one of unhappy moments shall we say.

 

One woman has a son about Olivia's age that has been going since Olivia started about a year ago. I saw this woman every day Monday-Friday for half a year. I smile and she does not smile back. I have said hello and she barely says hello back. I stopped trying. Only natural thing to do. Then one day she says this whole story about how she might have to move to Michegan and oh my god how terrible it will be. She was talking to all the other mothers and staff people in high-speed German. I was not sure what she was saying but caught the jinst of it. Anyways after never having more than an awkward hello from her I always assumed she thought I was strange or was embarassed for me because she knew I spoke English and very bad German. I figured maybe she doesn't like that I have to speak English to get by. SO anyways she looks at me in disgust and says in perfect English "Now I will be like you." Then turns away from me and continues in highspeed German to speak to everyone else. I don't exist in this woman's world except as an example of how terrible life can be? Is that it? What the hell am I supposed to make of that one? Great. Clearly I disgust you. I guess she was trying to relate. I blew it off and said in English that it won't be so bad. It will be an experience. She just looked away all huffy. That is my history with this woman.

 

So then today I see her and I see that she is getting out of her car with her baby and I hold the door open for her and smile. I then say hallo. To which she replies in English, "I have to tell you something. That baby carrier you have your baby son in is not good. It is bad for his spine." I look at her a bit horrified because this is not how you start a conversation with someone you barely speak to and then I say, "yes I know that this is not the best carrier. I have another one that is better but I could not find it today. She the blinks and says "It is particularly bad for the baby when you carry him facing forward."

 

BAMN! Just like that. Slap across the face. Right in your face. Why even tell me? I guess because you want to make sure I know I am not being a good mother. You want to advise me to do something better. Fine. I didn't ask you to help me but clearly the stupid American woman needs help. You know, it really pissed me off.

 

I looked at her one more time and said "I know this is not the best carrier but he was fussy and I couldn't find my other one." I said it nice and slow to make sure she heard me. She then looks away and does not make eye contact with me again.  I guess I am a terrible mother for putting my son in the Baby Bjorn (geez how can they get away with selling them if they hurt babies that badly, huh?) for the ten minute walk to and from the house (ten minutes total is what it takes mind you). I must be a dispicable being. What the hell?!

 

(and after I had such a nice morning...maybe it is yet another reminder to me as to why I am leaving) 

Okay now that I know I am leaving I feel so much more liberated. I am enjoying being here again. I love the little cobblestoned town square and the local farmer and flower market they have on Tuesdays and Thursdays is right out of a postcard. I love the old buildings with the really intricate stone carvings of lions, saints, maidens, and flowers. I love the Old Dom where Charlemagne is burried. I love the bread (this I love too much) and the awesome Belgian chocolates (another thing I need to limit)-- I can get this in the little market down the street from me. Oh and I love the beer but really how much of that can a nursing mother have? (I still have one here and there but only after I nurse--I promise)

 

So funny how when you change your perspective you suddenly feel so much better about life. Don't get me wrong: I still want to go. I still miss my family and friends and that is not going to change. But I don't want to go just yet. I want to soak it all up. I want to get out of my house that I was stupidly sitting in for the last few months and see Deutschland. I will miss it. I know that. I am in for reverse culture-shock. I know that too. I have been reading about that: reverse culture shock is a real shocker.

 

I went for a nice walk up to the center today and walked through the market with my big fat red souped up stroller (we recently added a 'buggy board', which is a skateboard you attach to the back of a stroller so your toddler can stand on it while you push the baby around town). I brougjht a travel mug with tea, bought some Rosininbrotchen (raisin mini-breads), and then sat down by the Dom and stared at all the people dressed so nicely (people like to be pretty fashionable around here) while they all strolled by on their busy or in many cases not so busy day. It was so nice to sit and breathe in the air of yummy Printen (a specaility of the area which is ginerbread-like cookie). I resisted the cookies today but tomorrow I might just break down and get one. Hey you only live once. In fact there is this great little shop I know of that makes the best Printen hands down or maybe I just like the women that work their in their cute red and white striped smocks and they have all be so nice and so friendly and so helpful whenever I go in. Well anyways I am trying to enjoy life for what it is.

 

At the end of the day I am trying to live in this moment. I will take my Dharma walks and see Aachen for what it is and all its beauty. Be in the here and now.  Life is better that way. Tchsuss!

It’s 11:20 a.m. here in Aachen 

You are laying next to me in bed

bundled up in an afghan blanket made by my aunt

Your fingers are through the holes

I am holding you close to me, your head in the crook of my arm

We are both tired

 

You take one of your hands from out of the blanket

And wrap it around my index finger

It is a tight hold--you seem to like it that way

I am hoping I can convince you to go to sleep

Outside I can hear the vendor calling "Gemϋse and Obst fϋr kaufen"

The man keeps ringing his bell and calling, naming all the fruit he has for sale

 

Your eyes close and I watch your daddy long leg eyelashes flutter once more

You're wearing a hooded jacket embroidered with frogs and fish 

I like your green, hand-me-down, cotton cargo pants...

your big sister wore these once too

I smile down at you

Secretly I like to see you in these tiny dress-up clothes

 

Your chubby little hand slowly releases mine

And then your eyes pop open for just a second

Checking that I am still here

Still holding you

I try my shaky voice again

and softly sing my song

 

Don't worry little one

I whisper

I am here

I am your mother

Sleep baby sleep and

Gute Nacht

 

'K so I had my freak out. I think I am entitled to feel a little freaked out every once in a while. I apologize to Germany and to anyone else who thought my previous blog was a bit overboard. I am working on it. It is just I am soooooooooo  tired (mother of a 3 month old and two and a half year old). I am socially isolated a bit. IT happens to mothers with young children even when they are in their own country. Here it is just harder. And don't think I didn't try. Here is my story.

 

When I first arrived here, I was so culture shocked and overwhelmed with the move that it took all my brain power just to go to the grocery store and buy groceries. Seriously. It happens. You go to the grocery store and look for chocolate chips, baking soda, and brown sugar and then you freak out because they don't have it here. I was warned about those before moving but it is true...you aren't sure what meat you are getting unless you bring your dictionary or gulp suck up your pride and just ask someone for help (and here unlike back in USA, people will help you). Matt and I spent our first few months in a temporary apartment and we just walked around in a sort of stupor, somewhat enjoying everything like a silly tourist does...we saw differences but liked it as a sort of temporary adventure. We had a few moments of OH MY GOD and I MISS SO MANY PEOPLE and WHERE IS THE FOOD I LIKE? and all that sort of silly stuff. But you get over that and just sort of move on. You have to survive so you pick up phrases like Alles clar and genau and oh Tsuss (not sure of spelling..don't have dictionary here). This gets you by but is not enough. So then you seek out human contact beyond the grocer or the friendly hi-bye nice day neighbor.

 

So a few months later I went to a Crawbe Gruppe (excuse all spelling for the moment...don't have dictionary available at moment)...a crawling group where I thought I might meet some other mothers--you bring your little kids there to play and in theory chit chat with the other mothers. Well I went there 7 times. The first few times was okay because I was new and it seemed okay that I didn't know that much German (I had only been here for 4 months when I started going). Then the next couple of times I had two mothers talk to me about how terrible it is that people come here and don't learn German. I am not sure if that was a dig on me but it made me feel a little uncomfortable. I blew it off and decided it was not a dig but just someone trying to relate to me but it still made me feel very selfconscious. And then I sucked it up and went a few more times. The last few times I went I was just sitting by myself with a stupid grin on my face, zoning out a bit while all of the kids were playing trying my hardest to understand what everyone was talking about. It made my brain explode. I didn't go there thinking anyone would speak English to me. That is a very conceited thing to think. But I somehow thought I would be able to break through to the other side and have some sort of WOW I understand German now thing happen. I ended up feeling very uncomfortable because I couldn't say much and had to say excuse me or I don't understand so often that I gave up on myself and I think secretly a few of the mothers also gave up on trying to talk to me too. I don't blame them. It is hard. I get it. One woman actually asked me in English if it was uncomfortable for me to be there because it was so hard for me. I thought I was going to cry but basically it was the end for me. I felt too conspicuous. It was just too hard.

 

I never took advantage of the Stadt language sponsored German classes. I couldnt really do that. You see I had a one and a half year old at the time and my husband was working. I didn't feel like I could find a sitter to take classes during the day or at night. And the classes they had for mothers with kids I was told were for people who didnt even know how to read and write in their own language. I wish I had figured out a way to take classes. That I do regret. We hired a private tutor but that didn't work out too good because she didn't speak enough English to really help us and instead had to use French to explain things when she couldn't think of the English words. That was not a good idea. It just didn't work for me. I mean even though I have had like 8 years of French, I really just know enough to get by. So anyways learning German while translating from French to English doesn't work. We were going to look for another tutor but well I got pregnant and was sooooo tired and then I just well, it fizzled. Excuses, excuses, excuses. But really pregnancy is somewhat hard on me...last time I was on bedrest for 3 months so I just couldn't mentally do it while taking care of a two year old.

 

There are other avenues I explored. Well, I went to the bookstore several times and hung out in the children's area thinking maybe just maybe I would meet someone there. Didn't happen. Well it did happen just a few weeks ago...met another mother who speaks English but I didn't call her because I just felt it wouldn't be fair to make this big effort and then up and leave in a few months time. Besides I practically threw myself into a conversation with her and I was afraid she thougth I was a bit odd...really I wouldn't normally do that but I guess I was feeling so socially starved that I just inserted myself into a conversation and said hey let't try an playdate. It is hard to put yourself out thee like that. Anyways I also tried the library but unfortunately there was no one there the few times I went nor did I see any organized children's reading hour. I also bought a book about kinder stuff but didn't really know enough German and was too prideful to ask someone to help me translate all the stuff. The little I translated was mostly kid stores, kid doctors, and stuff like that. The few things in the book that seemed like groups...well I was too chicken to try out my "bad" German. I do regreat that a bit.  I also went to the playground just about every day at the same time every day because in Seattle this was how I met other mothers. I thought this might also work here in Aachen. I saw the same people every day and I am sorry to admit this and sorry this is true but I even said hello and goodbye to people after a while and for the most part NO ONE said anything back. Our children would play together and I would sit there smiling and no one talked to me. And when I would talk to my little Olivia in English and broken German I swear that made it worse because it seemed as though people moved away from me.  It could have been in my mind  but in any case I just didn't connect with anyone. A couple of times a few people said hello and that was it but after a while I  just stopped trying. Now I have to say that in Massachusetts no one would probably talk to me at the playground either. I think it is just human nature that if you are different or an unknown it is going to be harder for you. So that said, I still go to the playground because I am not going to punish my child and not bring her to the playground just because I am a bit uncomfortable. But admittingly I go for a half hour here or there when I can drag my tired self and baby out of the house. Let's see. Oh we even started going to the Swimhalle to go swimming on Sundays but we really didn't go there to meet people. We went to have fun and on the offchance that we might meet other people. But the baby is too little right now to do that so have to put that on hold for a bit.  No, I didn't try the churches. But I am not a churchgoer and I just couldn't see going if I wasn't there in the true spirit of the church. So that is my story sad but true. I DID try and even with everything going on, I am still tryng a little because you have to survive.

 

I came here wanting to know German and to experience what it is like to live abroad and to live here in Germany. And please don't misunderstand me: there are wonderful things about Germany. For one thing everyone has health care. Germany is one of the best environmentally conscientious places I know of, certainly eons ahead of America and here the politicians seem to care about the environment here which is WAY MORE than I can say for the lovely, disasterous, don't care if it doesn't make money Bush Administration. Germany takes care of its children here. There are fantastic Kindergartens and schools in general are just awesome. They even give people money (Kindergeld) so that you can send your children to Kindergarten or you can to use it to help you along in other things if need be (although it is my understanding they probably want you to use it for your children and their education). In fact, I was so impressed with the Kindergarten we have down the street from us that I wanted to have my mother come take a tour because she is an early education specialist in the state of Massachusetts and would love to see their program. There is also really good kitchenware, tools, and just about anything German made is very good quality in my opinion. Oh there is a lot here that is wonderful. IT is just very far away from my family and my friends and I am sorry I don't speak enough of the language to break down the cultural barriers. There have been some wonderful people who have been more than willing to help us with things. I really appreciate that. I have some great neighbors who have made us feel a lot more welcome here. But we really haven't made "friends". THAT is hard. It takes time. I know that. I moved all the way across the country to Seattle when I was 22 years old and had to make friends there. And that was hard but not knowing the language or truly understanding all the cultural differences makes it THAT MUCH HARDER here. And we planned to only be here for a few years and then after that, we would make a decision to stay or go. That is the truth of the matter. We were somewhat foolish thinking that we would BOOM pick up the language. We totally downplayed all cultural differences because in truth it is very similar in many ways to America but also very different in other ways. We did take German lessons both before we came and for several months before I had my baby son. But all the stuff we tried and everything just hasn't been enough to really get us to the point where we can stay here long term.

 

SO I am sorry. Es tut mir leid. I will miss things about being here. I don't write in my blog as some sort of dig on Germany. I am writing from my heart about my life. I am just one person and I just write about what I experience. This does not mean my experience is everyone's experience. I haven't given up. I have challenged myself to try and learn something new in German every day and to help myself along, I have been watching a half hour or so of German TV. Dharma and Greg works for me. LOL. I want to at least know as much German as I can before I leave. Some day we want to come back and show our son where he was born and show our daughter, who loves her Kita and already knows tons more German than me or my husband, that this is where we once lived.  I still want to be able to know some German. This has been a good experience for an American. We don't tend to challenge ourselves to do this sort of thing. We pushed ourselves to try something different and we knew it would be difficult but we just didn't think it would be THAT hard. I know why a lot of people looked at us like "Are you crazy?" when we moved here. It is DAMN hard.  But we are different for doing this and have broadened our horizons....the world is not so big or scary. You can be outside your comfort zone. You should do that some time or as often as you...it will only make you stronger. So hey, at least we tried. And at least we are trying, right?