It has been difficult for my little Olivia and for us for that matter to adjust to all these changes. She refuses lots of things like refusing to put her shoes on or refusing to let us change her diaper (potty training is coming soon but I am no fool--I knew she would regress). Olivia even refuses to let me hold her hand sometimes or have Matt hug her even though we know she wants and needs our love and attention. It is hard to watch her struggle through these changes--she is no longer the only child. But this is life. Life is full of struggles but if you work at it, you can find balance. I struggle all the time as an intense, highly-opinionated person to find that balance. As a mom I am not sure where the balance is in disciplining Olivia. Oftentimes she regresses and what I'm realizing is so do I.

 

The other day she was eating pistachios and cashews (she takes after me and loves all nuts--maybe I was a chipmunk in a past life. LOL!). Anyways she was eating the nuts and then she asked if she could mix them in her pots in pans (we keep a small little tabletop kitchen and cooking accesories in our living room for her to play with). I said sure. We were playing--she was pretending to pack a picnic lunch. Then all of the sudden she just threw the nuts all over the floor. I instantaneously lost my temper. I yelled at her to pick it up. I was so upset because I had just swept the floors and vacuumed and these are hard things to do these days given that I have a newborn in the house. So yes, I lost my temper. Of course she then decided to start throwing lots of things on the floor. I picked her up and placed  her firmly in her bed. She tried to hit me and that is one thing I absolutely can't tolerate. I yelled more. Then Olivia started crying and said that I scared her. I felt just terrible. Yes, she did some pretty terrible things but she is two yeras old and I am thirty. I lost my temper. I shut the door and told her that she needed a time out and so did mommy. After I had calmed down, I opened the door and we went and got the dustpan and brush and together we swept up all the nuts. Olivia was fine with that. In fact she seemed proud that she helped mommy.

 

Olivia has a strong personality. She needs me to provide safety and balance. I am working on it. For me it is a huge struggle to not have so much fire in my personality. I have started doing yoga again and befittingly the poses that I am finding the hardest to do are not crazy stretches but the balancing poses.

 

Last night Olivia did the throw-the-books-and-everything-all-over-the-floor again for Matt. He lost it a little too. Then Olivia refused to go to bed after I spent close to an hour reading to her, talking about her day, and cuddling with her. After I started getting upset, I realized she was scared. Matt's mom is coming and the last time a grandmother came I went away to the hospital and had a baby. It finally dawned on me that Olivia was scared I was going to leave her and have another baby. I asked her if this is what she was scared of and she said yes mommy, hold me mommy. I let her sleep in my bed last night. I let her cry and be a little ridiculous because she needed that release. I too needed that release. I need to release my hold on her sometimes and just let it be and then maybe together we will learn balance.

 

 

 

So I never should have posted anything that said my son was a good sleeper. That time was short-lived. Maybe I cursed myself. Who knows? Anyways Taylor appears to have a milk allergy so begrungingly I have had to give up the things I love the most: cheese (and this is Europe where cheese really is that good!), milk, and icecream (this one is a blessing since I am trying not to overindulge in sweets this time so I can lose this baby fat). The no dairy is hard to do but I am starting to like Soy products. I also have to give up citrus, bubbly water, and this one really kills me, chocolate. Oh and in case that wasn't hard enough (I am a chocoholic), I also have to limit my caffeine to two cups a day and sometimes it seems I need to have only one cup of coffee or one cup of tea. Oh it kills me because this is the time when I really need that cup of wake-me-up magic. All of these things give him a very upset belly and it makes him not just cry but shriek with pain. Poor thing. He suffers from reflux and milk and all the other things tend to aggrevate it even more. I must admit, there are days when I have strongly considered giving up on breastfeeding but as so many doctors and websites have said, that might just make it worse since formula oftentimes increases the reflux and causes more gas and fussiness. I guess I wouldn't be a mother if I didn't have to make sacrifices. I am willing to do this for the love of my son but he might have to hear about it later in life (just kidding-- well, I don;t want to hold it over him but it is hard!).

 

Matt and I have been trying to keep our sense of humor but the past few weeks have been very hard. People with multiple kids warned us but until you have more than one yourself, you never really get it. THere are days when Taylor just fusses no matter what and I can't let him cry for more than 5-10 minutes (I mean he is so little...I just can't) and so I am typically holding a crying baby while my little poor confused and jealoius Olivia is throwing tempertantrums. I swear she kicks it up a notch every time he cries. That makes it hard. Olivia is also refusing to go to bed and gets up over and over despite our pleas. We put her back in bed over and over and we have even taken storytelling time away at night to try and get her to cooperate. Timeouts don't work hardly at all anymore so now her toys go in time out or we have to threaten to take away things she really likes to do like going to the park, the Swimhalle (the public pool), tv, and storytelling at night (books are her favorite and this one really kills me to do). We are trying to not be so hard on her. I understand or kind of understand (I am the youngest of three) that life used to revolve around just her and now we have a baby who requires extra special attention because he is a fussy one.

 

So anyways we are trying to not lose our minds. After we finally get Olivia to bed at 9:30 or sometimes as late as 10:00 (shhh don't tell anyone; we are trying!!), we then take turns passing Taylor back and forth. And the only thing that seems to calm him is reggae music so there we are exhausted singing Bob Marley songs and beep-bopping around--anything to get that baby to sleep. OH lord help us. It is a funny thing. Although I imagine my poor neighbors think once again the Americans have lost it. But hey, whatever works, right? And you know what else is kiling us? Matt and I can't breathe at all. We too appear to have allergies to all the lovely budding tress that are outside our apartment building. It is hard enough to get sleep because of waking toddlers and nursing babies, but now I can't get hardly any sleep because I can't breathe through my nose. All I know is what my grandmother tells me and it is now my mantra: This too shall pass. So in the words of Marley man, "Hey little darling. Don't shed  no tears cause no woman, no cry."

We are starting to settle in. Funny that i say that now that it has been over a year here in Germany. I have to tell you, if you ever live abroad, expect that the first year will be hard but it does get easier. The thing that has really made things better is the cool neighbors we have living in our apartment building.

 

On Easter Friday,  someone left a nice Easter bunny and other treats for our daughter Olivia. I am pretty sure it was the nice retired couple that lives a floor down from us. We really appreciated that because well I was in the middle of giving birth on Easter Friday and we hadn't planned to do anything special for Easter. Olivia thought it was great because it seemed as if the Easter bunny really did come to visit her.

 

Then a few weeks ago a neighbor stopped by to give us a little toy for Taylor. It was very nice of her. A week later another neighbor came by with gifts for both Olivia and Taylor. That was so nice considering I dont know her that well but it really made me feel welcomed. I mean I totally didn't expect that. Of course I did feel a little bad that she saw me in my pjs and my house a wreck. I am so paranoid about my neighbors seeing my messy house. Seriously their hosues don't ever seem messy. They have spotless houses and toddlers and babies. I don't know how...and they all get their kids down at like 7:00 pm no dilly-dallying around on the dot bedtime. Of course I also hear some serious crying and stomping going on so I guess maybe I am a little bit too forgiving with Olivia's bedtime. But hey the point of all this is this neighbor I am just startig to know came by and gave us gifts. That was really nice and it sure makes us feel a lot better about being here. I still have my days but things like that, they make a HUGE difference.

Well there is nothing like admitting what you are. In the heat of a toddler meltdown, my lovely toddler Olivia says "Mommy I ridiculous!". I thought I was going to bust a gut laughing at that one. I felt like saying Yes baby you are. It was just too perfect. I think the poor thing was actually trying to tell me that I was ridiculous since she oftentimes mixing her pronouns up but hey, if the shoe fits...

 

On other news. I am SOOOOOO TIRED! So very tired. My little baby is not sleeping so great. Yesterday he would sleep for only 20-25 minutes spurts all day long after I spent an hour or so helping him work through gas, changing his diaper, and then nursing him yet again. The thing that kills me about that is that babies can survive on that kind of sleep...they don't have to sleep for hours at a time as long as they get a lot of sleep cumulatively. Now mothers on the other hand...well I am starting to slow down. I don't have the extra drive or care that my house is a little messy. All I want is some sleep. Ah sleep! I know I know...get used to it. I am trying to remain positive here. Please let me believe that I will get some sleep eventually. It is all that keeps me going. Well not all. When Olivia gets really proud of "her baby" and helps me with Taylor or when Taylor looks at me and smiles, or when I see my husband holding both kids in each arm singing silly songs, well those things really keep me going! I do love my family. Yes, I just  hope that I too won't become Ridiculous due to lack of sleep. LOL!

So Taylor was born on April 6th. He is beautiful...I am biased and proud. He is already 10bs at one month old--he was7 lbs when he was born so that is pretty good. He grunts more than Olivia and spits up more, which worries me a little but I am told it is normal. He also sleeps better and seems to be on his own little routine already--these are things we still struggle with Olivia on. But what I have to remind myself is all children are different...all babies are different and accept that how I parent him will be different too. 

 

Okay so now the crazy Mutter thing (craxy mom). Admittingly I am a feeling a little well, crazy/out-of-sorts. I have to chalk it up to hormones. In fact my midwife told me right around a month after giving birth the body has another change and there are a lot hormones released. So I guess I have to expect that I might be a little out of sorts and crazy. Craxy meaning one minute I feel like I should just sit down and relax and the next my mind is spinning with a thousand and one projects I want to do and to-do-lists I feel I should complete and then I just get a little spastic and demanding with both Matt and Olivia, somehow expecting them to know what it is I need help with. Yah so I am a little crazy. I forgot how tired and spastic a newborn can make you. I am not depressed but I can't seem to just well relax. I should take a nap but then when will I have time to shower, write or read something, or even eat my lunch?

 

So I am back in the thick of being a newborrn's mom all over again but I am allowing myself permission to let my house get a little dustier and to accept that my laundry isn't always goiing to be done, folded and put away. I was spoiled by having my grandmother here. She helped with a lot of stuff...in fact my kitchen was sparkling and Olivia also had a pretty hip playmate: she showed Olivia the hoky-poky. The reality of being on my own during the day (Matt helps a lot when he comes home and I am so fortunate for that) has finally sunk in. I am somewhat prepared for it but also well, I am SOOOOOO TIRED. I have been working on accepting that as part of life now too. Yes, nursing 10-12 imes a day, changing diapers for both Taylor and Olivia who knows how many times, and well sleeping in 1-2 hour spurts is exhausting. This sombined with the hormonal changes does mean I can be a bit crazy. So to anyone I have been a bit standoffish to or somehow a little off, please forgive me. And to anyone else, well let me just apologize in advance. Talk to me in 4 months when thing will hopefully get easier and please just let the optimist inside of me believe that...I know it isn't true but I am trying to maintain some hope that at least ina few months I will either a) get more sleep or b) will be so used it that it won't matter anymore. So yah. Let me just keep the sleep thought so I can fantasize about getting wonderful non-interuppted sleep;  but i do love the little bundooker.

This was from a while ago...before Taylor was born...I haven't had much time to do any writing...today i changed probably 12 diapers btwn olivia and taylor and nursed at least ten times...it is hard but worth it...we all took a nap and that was great

 

Okay. I must say that there are days when I feel like I am not going to be able to control it. When Olivia looks right at me and takes her little police car and crashes it right into the wall and the furniture for the upteenth time and I have to, absolutely have to put her in time out. Or better yet now we put her toys in time out if she mistreats them. That causes some serious meltdowns but it sure gets her attention. And yes, I do lose it every once in a while. My voice does go up a notch or two. I do find myself saying Olivia Lynne Young (fullname calling) you had better listen to me or you and your toys are in time out. GO to your room for a minute because mommy needs a minute. I bite my tongue and try my best not to say worse. I do. But it is HARD. And Olivia will say Mommy you upset? Don't be upset mommy. Don't be frutrated (frustrated). I frutrated mommy!  I need a minute. And then she looked at me the other day and said I can't see you mommy. I frutrated. Now I have never said I that. I never told her I couldnt see her. Sometimes I say I can't hear her or understand her because she is whining or yelling. But where did she get that one?

 

And then she told me I upset. I can't find it. I'm lost mommy. That one makes me feel bad because I am not sure what she means a lot of the time. So I will ask her what she means and say what is lost, why are you upset? I looked at her the other day after her tantrum and picked her up and said Olivia tell mommy why you are upset. You know what she said? She said Mommy why you are upset? She was repeating what I asked her to repeat. She didn't know that I was asking her question but thought I wanted her to repeat what I said. I forget that she is only two-and-a-half and kids are so literal. Oh it must be so confusing. Poor thing. That story right there...that is what I try to think about when I feel like we are having some serious communication breakdowns. The reality is little kids don't always understand why they are upset and they really do take things literally. So it is up to me to be the adult and show her patience. Now granted I am human and can't always get it right but I sure am trying my best.