Okay I am only a few weeks from giving birth and I think the nesting instinct (this urge to make everything clean and organized) has really kicked in.  Poor Matt. I also did this last time with Olivia. I can't help it. I mean all the sudden I find myself wanting to fold and unfold all the baby clothes to make sure I have what I need. I have what I need and I know I have what I what I need but it is not a logical thing. It is kind of a running joke. Matt will take the plastic bins I have with all of the baby's clothes down from the top of our closet every couple of weeks and then I go through them and he kindly puts them back up. Crazy!

 

And I will tell you what. I would throw out about 5 trash bags of trash if I could get away with it. We have to separate everything into different trash and recycling containers here and the neighbors (the old Fraus at least) watch everyone to see if someone is hogging the space. So I can't just go and throw away things. But if I coud I would.

 

Oh and Ikea madness. I look at the cataolog of closets and organizing containers and scheme about what our next purchase will be that will somehow help us organize our 3-bedroom apartment even better. Matt has even started doing it with the study. The funny thing is we have to save our money to buy things here because there is no such thing as credit cards. And we can't just order it online but have to actually drive to the store 45 minutes away. So we want to save our money to make the trip worth it. Oh sure: we have a credit card that is like an American Express so you have to pay it off the following month. It keeps us in line but boy as an American who is used to getting things whenever, it sure is hard.

 

So yah I am in mommy nesting madness. I even wanted our hallway touched up with paint here and there in all the spots where Olivia colored on the wall, used keys to scratch the wall, and various other mishaps. I want it all clean and organized. But I am holding it together. It is so ridiculous. I mean the baby isn't even goign to see beyond his own hands for a while. The poor things don't even know how to control their arms or feet when they are first born and here I am trying to make our home ready for the little guy acting as if the Queen or King himself (as it were) are going to walk through that door. Oh crazy mommy. I know I am not alone. Poor Matt. And Poor Olivia. Even Olivia has grabbed a dry sponge from the kitchen and pretended to clean it all up. What have I done? I guess the reality is there will be no time for all this once the baby comes. No time, no sleep, and no energy. So that must be why we mothers-to-be do this. Crazy Mutter.

So Olivia is doing much better with her German than Matt and I are but that is to be expected. And she is really trying to be a big girl. We try not to focus on saying you're a big girl but instead try to encourage her to do it all by herself. I am amazed at what she can do. Really she is more than ready to be potty trained but I am not going to do that 2 weeks before the baby comes. She can get herself dressed. About a month ago we had some friends over for dinner and cards and Matt  said half in jest (because it was late and we were tired and didn't want to argue with a toddler) okay Olivia now go get your pjs on. About 10 minutes later she came out with her pjs on. The shirt was on backwards and the pants were twisted but she did it all by herself. We were so shocked. It is so great when they can dress themselves. Of course now we are dealing with her undressing herself but that is the fun of it for toddlers, isn't it?

 

Olivia also has this little Hello Kitty hat that has a cat on the front of it. She loves to wear it but is always careful to feel the stiching in the front to make sure the cat is on the front. I think it is funny how exact she wants to be. She has also been able to get her shoes on all by herself for quite some time now but often times they end up on the wrong feet. We often  just let it go or fix it later when we are ready to leave because we want to encourage her to keep trying. But at the Kita that she goes to they told her that she had Ente Foos meaning Duck Feet or rather that she has her shoes on the wrong feet. For the past week or so she has been very serious about not having Ente Foos and she tells us all the time. Hey is this Ente Foos? I think that is the cutest little expression. I have to say that sometimes I find German to have such perfect and exact little phrases. It is a very precise language. Hard to learn but so malliable because you put several words together and create your own word with a very exact meaning. Anyways I think it is great how much she is learning. Now if her mommy could just get it all straight her head! Ah I will. I know more than I realize and I just got some new interactive software that I can use on my own time to learn even more. (OF course time will be non-existent with the baby but I somehow have it in my head that i will be able to at least hear the German and read it a little here and there).

Olivia is two and a half years old now and boy is she picking up on all the little things we do and say. Kids are such quick studies. I hear her repeat things and I gulp a little or cringe. Like one day she told me leave me alone I need some space for a minute. Ikes I guess I said that to her. That hurts. I probably did need some space but I also probably hurt her feelings. I guess this is what I mean about screwing things up. And oh yah the almonds dropped all over the floor and I said damn. So what does Olivia do? You've guessed it. She takes her puzzle pieces and pushes them off the coffee table so they land all over the floor and says Damn! Whoops! I guess it could be worse. I have been known to say a lot worse but have been doing a fairly decent job of keeping my mouth in check. I totally ignored her repeating damn over and over. And then I dropped something on purpose again and said shoot. She probably knew that shoot wasn't as strong a word as damn but it was worth a try. It somewhat worked because she just moved on to playing with something else.

 

Those are the things you cringe a little about but I guess they are bound to happen. Then there are the expressions the little tykes pick up that really make you laugh. For Olivia's birthday my mom and grandmom bought her a fairy dress and another dress that matched for her doll. It is a nice dress and a spring type dress so I didn't want her to start wearing out of the house just yet. But I let her put it on and told her that is a dress for home. So now Olivia calls it her At-home-dress. It is such a little thing but kids can be so clever. It still makes me smirk a little when she asks to wear her At-home-dress.

 

And the other day Matt asked Olivia who was having a meltdown if she was tired. She said no daddy. I am not tired. I am exhausted! That is so funny. I mean how did she get that? So yah kids are quick, too quick. We both have to watch what we say. But it is also fun to watch what she will come up with.

Well, last year around now I started going to the Spielplatz (the playground) by our house. There are two of them actually. One is smaller and is on the way home from the Kita that Olivia goes to so that tends to be the one I stop at. Anyways...last year my German was dreadful. It isn't that much better now but I am understanding more. The thing is I had zero luck at the bigger playground meeting people but for some reason this smaller one has been better. Today a woman actually talked to me first. I guess Matt met her several months ago there and she remembered Olivia. She was very nice and we mucked our way through a conversation in broken German and English. So that makes me feel better. I also briefly spoke with a woman in French. 

 

The funny thing is both the German woman and the French woman corrected my French and German respectively. It still rubs me the wrong way but I realize now that they don't mean anything by it. They are just trying to be helpful. I guess it is hard for me because well I am trying so hard and I already know that neither my French or German is all that great. The French woman said to me in French "You speak English." I said yes I do back in French and then she said "I can tell because you have an English accent." Well yes I do. I would love to get rid of it and sound native but well, heck at least I can talk to you in your native tongue, right? And the German woman did what I have found most people do here in Germany, she let me finish my sentence and then repeated it to me the way it should be said. I know to expect that now and I am actually finding it helpful because I can pick up on the little things I am saying wrong. I have to force myself sometimes to see it as helpful and not rude and sometimes there are days though that I don't want to be corrected. There are days when I feel so overwhelmed and tired from just well being pregnant and being in a foreign land that I just want to be understood and left alone to muddle my way through. It makes me feel a little like a child when I am corrected all the time but I guess I can look at this way, how else am I going to learn?  But hey at least I am trying...and it is hard to put yourself out there and try to communicate in a foreign language and in a foreign land. I have to take a risk and suck it up and accpet that I am going to sound a little foolish but if someone is willing to work through a conversation with me, then great because it makes my days a little less mundane. I guess I just have to learn to be less sensitive.

It has been a while. Life goes by fast and sometimes it goes by too slow. I am 4 weeks away from having our second child. It amazes me that we are going to have two kids now. It also freaks me out a little. I wonder if I will be a good mommy to our son. I know that it has been hard with Olivia lately and I am tired and impatient. I worry that I won't have the patience and will just I don't know, screw things up. I guess this is what all parents wonder. I mean the baby will be crying and Olivia will be repeating things over and over and over until I just explode. That scares me. I mean how kids can get you really good and push those buttons over and over. I try not to lose my cool but I do. I guess we all do sometimes. I even put myself in time-out sometimes. I guess that is the thing. You have to know when to take a break before you breakdown. I am working on it.

 

I guess I read the parenting magazines when I can get them here in Germany and I check websites and stuff that all talk about the difficulties of being a mom and all the secrets to handling things like a pro. I get lost in the words sometimes. I mean life can't be summed up in a 500 word article. It doesn't always work like a formula. There is no right answer. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and unprepared. And frankly it is really hard when it seems like people don't like to admit how hard a time they are having with their kids or with themselves. I am tired of the Pottery Barn totally organized ads and articles on how to keep your house and kids perfect. There is a perfect house....it lasts for two minutes if your lucky before toys end up all over the place and the dishes need to be cleaned again.

 

So yah, I am tired. Really tired. I am more than ready to have this baby. Of course I want the little guy to come out when he is ready and right now he is still growing his lungs nice and strong so it is too early still. But I am trying to imagine what it is all going to be like. I mean I am in Germany. I still don't speak German all that well. Last time with Olivia I went to the park every day or the library when it rained to connect with other parents. I had to get out of the house and talk to an adult. But that was in Seattle where people spoke my language and I don't know, wanted to talk to strangers. This time what am I going to do? I go to the parks in my neighborhood and no one talks to me. I try. I keep trying but it is somewhat tortorous. I mean the moms all know eachother or so it seems and they aren't going to make the extra effort to talk to me, a woman who can barely describe her family in basic German. And I have given up on thinking anyone is going to make the effort to talk to me in English. That isn't going to happen. So I guess I am a bit worried here. I guess I am going to walk a lot. That is what I imagine I will do. I have one neighbor who is very willing to get together and let the kids play so that helps. I guess I just have to ask myself, is it normal to be scared the second time around? I mean I will love my son of course I will. But I am worried about getting lost in mommyhood. Does that happen to other people too? Cause it never seems like it or at least no one every seems to tell me about it. Am I the only one out here who loves being a mommy but doesn't want to be June Cleaver? So yah. One step at a time. I guess I better get serious about yoga and getting out  of the house. THat is my plan. At least the sun is starting to shine. Thank goodness my son chose to be born now. April is a good time and summer sun makes everyone feel better. I am looking forward to that.